It has come to my attention by the much-nicer-than-me man I live with that my previous post was negative and mean-spirited. I believe the word "caustic" was used as well. And I completely agree with him--I really do get a mean streak in me when I'm pregnant; I'm not going to deny it. And so to refresh all of our palettes, I'm going to share an uplifting experience with you I had at church today. Can you believe it? No sarcasm. No mocking of individuals. I promise. For reals.
A woman shared this bit of wisdom with us in RS today that seriously blew my mind. She has a son with autism and had really been struggling until she met with some consultants who helped her learn how to provide a more positive environment for not only her son with autism, but their whole family. She said she has also taken this philosophy and put it to use within her marriage, friends, extended family members, etc. And this is it:
For every negative comment spoken, there should be four positive comments. That is the rule of thumb she goes by: The Four-To-One ratio. Also, three things should be kept in mind with those positive comments: frequency, intensity, and duration. "Frequency" - self explanatory. "Intensity" - she gave this example: "How often do we get blue in the face after our child brings home an A paper? How often do we get blue in the face after our child tracks mud in the house? We should use the same intensity we'd use about mud with an A paper." "Duration" - how long your positive comment lasts.
You might be reading this and thinking "Duh." Not me. This bulldozed me over and suddenly it was like someone had washed the dirty grime off my mental window--it made perfect sense and it was presented in a way that was clear and easy. Giving praise is something I'm not good at--it doesn't come naturally for me. I don't give it very often, nor do I really need much of it. This is not the case with my husband. He was raised in a house with lots and lots of praise, thrives off of it and doesn't understand my indifference to receiving it. But when it comes to me not giving it, I think it's because of my fear of being insincere. I am suspicious of people who give constant praise of not being entirely truthful. But that's probably not the case at all (did you see that? I was seeing the good and being positive.) They are just probably more apt to see the positive sides of things than I am. I tend to see more of the bad than I see of the good, because the bad is usually a lot more funny and I like to be amused. But since this light bulb of mine was turned on today, I'm going to try to focus on seeing more of the good, especially within my family, thus being able to be completely sincere with my praise that I shall be giving and giving from henceforth.
Ah. See that? Minty fresh.
8 comments:
Even though this will come off as negative towards myself, I have to be honest and say that you probably get it from me. But that's all the more time I'll spend focusing on that. (too painful)
I'd really be throwing water all over this if I praised you for this post very intensely and for a long time, so I absolutely won't do that in jest, because I think it really is a great post and so happy that you had that light bulb moment and that you recorded it so you can refer back to it as needed. It's huge!
Back in July, I made this little pact through email with Auntie Colleen that we were both going to be much more positive and I'm not kidding as soon as my fingers left the keys the most bizarre, irritating, tedious things from several aspects of my life started
happening and I wasn't any more positive for even 10 minutes.
I love the 4 to 1 rule - a more specific goal than "I'm going to be more positive."
I think it also leads to gratitude which is enormous in importance to relationships, mental health and productivity.
Thank you so much for sharing! You could have totally just internalized it yourself. Sharing an idea obviously has the benefit of enlarging/spreading it but it also makes you accountable which is a scary/courageous thing to do and hopefully encourages others to do be more courageous and accountable!
I totally needed this today...and it's only 7:30am. Thanks!
Nice tip! thanks for sharing
Don't you hate it when your husband uses eloquent words in every day conversation?
I'll see your "caustic" and raise you a "litigious" - a word Chad whipped out over burgers and fries during our date.
Thanks to you, next time he does that, I'll compliment him four times after I slap his face.
Is that May up there lassoing that giraffe? That's my Luke's kind of girl.
We were given the same ratio advice in a marriage fireside our stake put on. I especially liked the "mud" analogy you gave.
Great tips. But part of the reason I like you so much is your cynicism and the way you make fun of people the same way I do. Oh well..... I'm also needing a gentle reminder to lighten up and realize that it's not easy being as perfect as I am. :)
And Alisa - great comment! I wish we had met when you were in Iowa too!
AMEN!! When reading that I just kept thinking, "Hey that is totally me!" Thank you for sharing!
I like it.
I was a little worried about the comedic value for a second too, but I have faith that you'll pull through and still make us laugh, cause you're just cool like dat.
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