The Girl is Five

Ruby's blog post about her party last year ended up on a birthday party site where people can get ideas, etc. So just in case that happens again (and especially if they want to pay me in real, live dollars) here's a blow by blow:

Yep. 5 whole years tomorrow.We had a Jungle Safari party, which turned out to be really fun. Everything I had planned was to be outside but it had rained that morning and everything was wet and mushy so we had it all inside which wasn't ideal but it worked out well. To top that off, all of the junk I ordered from Oriental Trading company didn't arrive in time so I had to majorly improvise, which turned out to be...not too shabby. I have very cool friends, is what is comes down to, who let me borrow all kinds of stuff.

Instead of pulling a Martha and making elaborate invites like last year, I went the eVite route. Ms. Stewart, you may be able to fold your antique cloth napkins in the shape of an alpaca and decoupage a planter to look like a Pompeii artifact but sometimes you are SO not efficient. I'll never go back. Here's the image we used on the eVite.
It's an old Disneyland Jungle Cruise poster from the 60's. I really, really liked it. If I ever have a boy, I'd so hang something like this in his room.

Although we invited just girls (I had to keep the numbers down somehow) this would have been a perfect boy/girl party theme. Oh well. Maybe we'll invite boys to May's Jungle Safari party because how else am I supposed to use $50 worth of jungle themed items from Oriental Trading company?

I decorated the house with construction paper leaves, green crepe paper and lots of stuffed animals, some ours, some borrowed. I wanted to do more but there just wasn't enough time. I also am giving a lesson in RS tomorrow so I kind of feel like my sanity is just holding on by its fingernails.

This is what I did on our entry window--it's hard to read but they're cartoon bubbles that say things like "RAAAAAAHHHH!" and "Ee-ee-ee! Ah-ah-ah!" and "Hisssss..." and different animals noises.
We played some games, some of them involving dancing which was fun. Nothing like dance therapy to get your mind of a public speaking "opportunity." Take note because you're about to witness some awesome dance moves.
I made a special "jungle" mix. If I had been really on the ball, I would have burned a copy to stick in their goody bags but I didn't, blah-blah-blah. Here's the track list though if you're interested:
1. Wild Thing - Trogs
2. I Just Can't Wait to Be King - Lion King
3. Three Little Birds - Bob Marley
4. The Bare Necessities - Jungle Book
5. Jungle Love - Steve Miller Band
6. Lovecats - The Cure
7. Hakuna Matata - Lion King
8. I'm a Cuckoo - Belle & Sebastian
9. And Your Bird Can Sing - Beatles
10. Wild World - Cat Stevens
11. I Wanna Be Like You - Jungle Book
12. Two Birds - G. Love
13. Sly Mongoose - Sylvester McIntosh with Joe Parris Hot Shots
14. Big White Bird - Rusted Root
15. Moon Song - Bob Schneider
16. Coconut - Harry Nilsson
17. I Like to Move It - Shaggy

Hey, speaking of goody bags:

One of the games was "Pin the Tongue on the Frog", a cute game we borrowed from our cutie pie neighbor-friends.

Then we went on a hunt for "tiger eggs" (Halloween plastic eggs filled with treats). Each girl got a net and "binoculars" (egg carton sections with holes cut out, painted black.) In a very authoritative Safari Guide voice, I gave them clues and they found each group of eggs in different spots of the house. They really liked that.
Ruby received lots of fun gifts, which she was very excited about as you can see. You would think by looking at these pictures that we just keep her in a cage with a ball of yarn.
Go got her a plant like he did last year. She loves that he does this and so do I.
We ate jungle cupcakes - animal cookies stuck on top of green frosting. Some green sprinkles, too because why bother eating a cupcake if it doesn't have sprinkles on it, thinks Ruby.

...along some other snacks. Daddy was home and helped a lot. The little girls loved him and laughed at all his jokes.
May sporadically had a hard time understanding why her sister was getting special treatment, you know because she's usually in a cage with the yarn and all, but she did pretty well. Apparently it can be hard to be the little sister, I hear.
The girls had fun and so did we. It was a grrrrrrr-eat party.

The Prizes in My Cereal Box

For those of you like me, who use Google Reader or something of the like (which is the only way to both blog and have a life outside of blogging), it wonderfully streamlines your reading experience but the down side is, you don't get to see the comments that are left on other people's blog unless you actually go to the person's blog (gasp!) and read them. If you read my blog through a feed, you seriously are missing out some laughter because I have some crazy funny friends. So I thought I'd fill you in. Here are some gems you might have missed:

(Though I gave no reference point as to which post they came from, I tried to choose comments that could stand alone, which unfortunately caused me to leave out some super funny comments left by some super funny people.)

Top Ten Most Hilarious Comments

10."Somethings you just have to bite. It's an irrestable impulse. I was a plastic grape kid myself." -MommacitaG

9. "Hi Annie Nate here backing up your husband. As I see it, your knees should be buckling from overwhelming gratitude for the following reasons: 1) according to best evidence available to science, the ability or desire to wash dishes was deleted from the Y chromosome in the early Mesazoic period where men devolved from eating out of dishes to drinking milk straight from the carton and potato chips straight from the bag. This was also the period where we as a species recognized that lifting the toilet seat before peeing was overwhelming work and not necessary to survival. Brandon is overcoming several generations of evolution by actually washing the dishes, which is pretty impressive. 2) It is also notable that he asked where to place the dishes as opposed to stuffing them in the first open space available. This has been the time honored tradition of male cleaning since Vlad the Impaler came up with his mass grave solution. That he tried to put it back with some order flies in the face of years of male conditioning, though it does show some of that surgical training might be taking hold." - NateP

8. "does she watch Dora the Explorer? Now that dora is a yeller and I think she is teaching all toddlers to yell with her. Is it wrong to want to kill a cartoon?" - LeighW

7. "Oh yes, and I was trying to think of things that I kept of old boyfriends and couldn't think of any (stolen items, not old boyfriends, I had plenty of those). I did remember though that a boyfriend gave me a coffee table book of temples for Christmas (he dumped me a week later) which I then proceeded to use as my wedding guest book 6 months later. How do you like them apples?!?" - BethV

6. "I just bought a new hair flat iron and it says not to use while sleeping... Dang- it was such a time saver to do my hair during the middle of the night..." - AmberD

5. "A little girl I used to babysit cut out a picture from a JCPenny circular because she thought it looked like me. I was so flattered, although admittedly I wished it could have been from a slightly cooler catalogue." - AlisaR

4. "I would suggest that no one ever use the two words "Moist" and "Cubicle" in the same sentence...like "Your cubicle is moist and smells pungent."- EthanK

3. "Have you tried rubbing Go under your arms?" - BradR

2. "I often thought in my gym rat days (back in my 40's): Hey there, in all of my most wanted earthly experiences that I ever thought I wanted, I always wanted to see your nakedness and you blow dry your hair in a room with mirrors on three walls. Thanks for helping me relive that visual. ps Of course I never actually wanted that earthly experience. I never even thought I wanted it. I'm not sure why I said that. I'm not gay. not that there's anything wrong with that. pss I was happily married for 26 years until my husband died. You do the math. " - MommacitaG

1."I often dream about being an amputee. Most regularly it is one of my arms that is missing. The situation is never hopeless because there is generally a decent selection of prosthetic limbs lying around, none of which are exactly the right size, but I manage. One time, however, I had to make due with a very hairy, very long, black arm. In my dream, I had to wear this prosthesis on my first post-mission date with Chad. An unfortunate dilemma, but he pretended not to notice and we had a very nice time." - AlisaR

Ruby, 5 and May, 2.5

Just in case you were wondering what going out in public with my children is like:

(As a side note, my girls are unable to talk at a normal register. If you've ever seen the Will Ferrell Special voice imodulation skit--that's Ruby and May. They don't just talk, they yell.)

Yesterday's Dentist Office Waiting Room Experience

Receptionist Lady: Name, please.
Me: Ruby Reynolds. (Turning around, saying to Ruby who is next to me trying to pull herself up unto the counter so she can see the lady) Where's May?
Ruby: May!
May: (already around the corner, exploring the waiting room) I wite ee-yahs! (I'm right here!)
Lady: Here you go, just fill out the front and back of this for me.
Ruby: (jumping, still trying to catch a glimpse) Are you the dentist?
Lady: (still sitting, just kind of answering her while she types on her computer) No. You'll see him a little later.
Ruby: (still jumping) Oh. Then what do you do?
Lady: (still sitting and hidden) I answer the phone and do office work.
Ruby: Oh. May! Where are you?!
Me: Thanks.
I head into the waiting area where May is playing with a barn and farm animals. Ruby is standing on a chair.
Me: Hey, get down. What are you doing?
Ruby: I'm trying to see that lady. I never saw her.
Me: Get down and we'll go see her.
Ruby: (pointing to a man in the waiting room) Why is that guy reading that book?
Me: (pushing her finger down) Because he's waiting. And don't point; it's rude.
Ruby: But I just wanted to know why!
Me: I know that. And I told you why, but I don't want you to point.
Ruby: I know. You already said that! I just wanted to know!
Me: Ruby, do you want to go see the lady?
Ruby: Yes.
Me: Then stop it.
Ruby: Ok. I'm hungry.
Me: You just ate.
Ruby: But I'm hungry again.
Me: You'll have to wait until after you see the dentist.
Ruby: But that's a long time!
Me: No, not really. And stop yelling.
May: Lah-lah-lah-lah! (totally in her own world, very busy with her singing and playing)
Ruby and I walk back around the corner and beside the desk so she can see what the receptionist looks like. Ruby and the receptionist, who ends up being very nice and very patient, have a lengthy conversation.
May: Lah-lah-lah-lah!! (this goes on for several more minutes while Ruby chats up the lady)
Me: What did you find, May?
May: Wook, Mom! I found dahm an-ah-mahls! (holds up a plastic pig) Wooka da witty piggy! (sits down, takes off her shoes and starts grabbing her toes) Wooka ma piggies! Wee, wee, wee! (Look, Mom! I found some animals. Look at the little piggy! Look at my piggies! Wee, wee, wee!)
(Ruby runs back from around the corner)
Ruby: May! Do that to me! (Ruby takes off her shoes and sits down next to May)
May: (grabbing Ruby's toes one by one) Wee, wee, wee! Wee, wee, wee!
Ruby: That tickles! Look Mom, May's tickling me!
Me: Yes, I see that. Ok girlfriends, put your shoes back on. We're going to have to go back soon. No, May, the other way. Wrong foot.
Ruby: Let me help you, May!
May: EEEEEEEEE! AAAAAAHHHHH!
Ruby: EEEEEEEEE! AAAAAAHHHHH!
Me: (hissing) GIRLS! Ruby--let her put on her own shoes. May--stop screaming.
Ruby: BUT I WANTED TO HELP HER!
Me: Stop yelling. Come here and talk to me.
Ruby: BUT I SAID I WANTED TO HELP HER!
May: I NO WANCHOO HEP, WOOBS! (I don't want your help, Rubes!)
Me: Come. Here. (she haughily stalks over) I know you were trying to help but you know she hates it when you try to put on her shoes. You can help her do something else later. Right now, I want you to stop yelling and read this book.
Ruby: I already stopped yelling.
Me: ...Ok. Just sit here and read this book.
Ruby: But I don't want to.
May: I read dat book! (takes it out of Ruby's hands)
Ruby: No, May. I'm reading it!
Me: I thought you didn't want to, Ruby.
Ruby: I do! (a tug of war ensues)
May: EEEEEEEE! AAAAAAHHHHH!
Ruby: EEEEEEEE! AAAAAAHHHHH!


And this is why I'm tired.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I love late May/early June. It's definitely my favorite time of the year. It's warm and kind of breezy with the occasional thunderstorm. It isn't very humid yet and it's just all around pleasant...kind of like how southern CA is all year around. Ok seriously, would someone slap me in the face and tell me to just get over not living in CA already because I'm really starting to annoy myself. Anyway, most people say that Christmastime is their favorite--no way, man. It's cold at Christmas and I'm usually on the brink of a major seasonal affective disorder plunge.

Some of my favorite things about Late Spring/Early Summer:
-You can find cute sunglasses at Target for $5.99. This is solid gold for a girl like me who breaks/loses her sunglasses every other week.
(i for one, love big sunglasses but i thought this cartoon was funny.)

-Pools/water parks are open.
These are staples in our weekly summer schedule. During the winter our schedule basically is like gym, grocery store, home...over and over. And when we are home, we just stare out the window at the drab sky and the icy ground. And then when the girls' backs are turned, I give all the snow the finger with both hands, which in our house is the ring finger, not the middle, because we'd like to think it means something less obscene but pretty close to it.


-I spend less money on things I don't need. I'm too busy to wander around Target and put random things in my cart because yo, it's sunny outside!


-A tan vs. pasty, pasty, white.

-I can get away without wearing make up. I don't know how much longer this will last as I'm nearing...dun-dun-dun...THIRTY.


-Free extra channels on TV, like Bravo. I finally got to watch the last season of Project Runway, my fave. It takes me a good 2 hours to stop talking like Christian Siriano after I watch it each time though, which is always fierce.

Choose Your Own Adventure #4

You are walking across your college campus, wearing your Dad's 20 year old church ball jersey and bell bottomed jeans that are stained with cadmium yellow oil paint. You're lugging your huge portfolio which is roughly the size of a billboard and wearing your oh-so-scandalous messenger book bag with it's oh-so scandalous shoulder strap you wear across your chest because a) it's a messenger bag and that's the way it's supposed to be worn and b) you want to give dirty thoughts to whomever wrote a letter to the editor stating that girls on campus shouldn't be allowed to wear messenger bags because "it separates the boobs." You're running a little late to class, so you choose to cut through the library instead of walking around the building. Upon entering, you bump into an old family friend--a guy you haven't seen in years. You always had a thing for this kid when you were younger. You knew he now went to the same school as you and had always wondered if you'd ever run into him and wow, you really couldn't be happier about the way you are looking right now: yellow paint not only all over your jeans, but in your hair, most likely smeared across your face and definitely all over your hands and underneath your fingernails. You feel the heat rise to your face and you know from experience that it's also turning bright red. You both loudly exclaim an "Oh my gosh!" and engage in a hug that's kind of weird, partly because you want to hug him but you don't want him to know you want to hug him and partly because you're both worried that he'll be covered with yellow paint afterwards. In a few sentences you both explain the last several years of you and your families' happenings in a nutshell. He's smiling at you and you're smiling at him and you say you're running late and have to go and now it's the part when he's supposed to say "Wait, let me get your phone number" or "We should catch up more later" or something to that effect, when he says "Hey, do you still have that really hot friend? You should totally hook us up."

Choose your own adventure. Do you:

a) Kick him in the shins.

b) Wipe some paint on his shirt.

c) Whack him with your portfolio.

Pandora's Purple Box

There was NOTHING on TV tonight (Go says "What are you talking about? Iron Chef!") so we were just kind of channel hopping and what movie did we land on? Purple Rain.
And I was like "Oh my gosh, I just realized I've never actually seen this movie," and was aghast with myself. Have any of you ever really sat down and watched it? It's glorious. It even kind of makes me think I might sort of perhaps like the color purple now a little bit just maybe. What? I KNOW!

So in searching for a fitting Purple Rain image, I found two other images I just couldn't not post because they might be the greatest things I've ever seen:
And I also found a picture that I couldn't post, which was of a sweaty Prince wearing nothing but a feather boa and something smaller than a speedo. And on that sweet note, good night my lovelies.

Choose Your Own Adventure #3

You and a friend take a jet ski out in the ocean. You are having a good time when all of a sudden, the jet ski stops running and you are no where near the shore. In fact, if you squint your eyes, you can see the shoreline with rows of beach houses which look like tiny colored specks. You look around for anyone, anything but find nothing, just water in every direction. Because you have seen Jaws one too many times, you opt to stay up on the jet ski and let your friend, who is dumber but nicer than you are, swim alongside of it and try to pull the jet ski inland. This proves futile as even after two hours of doing this, the tide seems to have taken you both farther out to sea. So there you are, shivering and scared, wondering how in the world you're ever going to touch dry land again when off in the distance, you see a shape moving towards you. It gets closer and closer and closer until you realize IT'S A SAIL BOAT. You both start waving your arms like crazy people and yelling like you just won the lottery, which in essence, you kind of just did--the I-get-to-continue-living lottery. As the boat approaches, you are filled with a great sense of relief. As the sail boat approaches even closer, you are filled with a great sense of disgust, as every single person on board is completely naked.

Choose your own adventure. Do you:

a) Say "No thanks, we'll catch the next one," and let the party animals sail on by. Four hours later a rescue chopper finds you. Up in the air, flying above Newport Harbor, you and your friend hit it off with the air-EMTs and form an all-girl travelling breakdancing team, wearing matching red Kangol hats and white track suits. You gain a small following and earn a name for yourself in the underground b-girl circle.

b) Hey, when in Rome...

c) Grab the rope they throw and tie it to your jet ski. Say "Thank you!" while you bury your face into your life jacket until you hear someone call your name from the boat. Reluctantly, you look up and realize it's your fourth grade teacher. Thankfully, she has put on at least a pair of shorts, but you'll still waiting on that shirt or bikini top or strategically wrapped beach towel--anything. Seeing x-teachers outside of school has always been awkward for you but this definitely takes the cake. As they are dropping you off at the dock, she winks at you and says "You were always my favorite student," which is really nice of her to say but you wish she had been fully dressed when she relayed that information because it kind of ruined the moment.

d) Grab the rope they throw and tie it to your jet ski. Say "Thank you!" and bury your face into your life jacket until you hear your friend call out "Hey, would you mind putting some clothes on?" Try as you might to completely avert your eyes, a face amongst the tan-lineless crowd catches your eye. You believe it is your fourth grade teacher but you never find out if it was really your fourth grade teacher or not because you never actually make eye contact with any of your rescuers, which is kind of unfortunate since you owe your life to them but dude, they're naked.

My Motorcycle Gang Could Beat Up Your Motorcycle Gang

Due to the large amounts of emails and phone calls I've received from people wanting an explanation, here it is:
Someone left a lengthy comment on my blog. After reading it, I deleted it to alleviate drama because I'm a classy broad like that. Basically, they accused me of being a horrible person. It was vicious, it was mean, and pretty well written, I might add. Though I immediately deleted it, I didn't immediately dismiss it. I sat there and really thought about if I was truly the person that they claimed I was. It was a good exercise and the previous post was the result. To quote my husband, I often "hyperbole my weaknesses", especially on my blog. (That's why I married him--because he uses words like hyperbole in everyday conversation.) Why do I do this? I don't know. Because self-deprecating humor is funny? But I guess people wouldn't know it was "self-deprecating" if they didn't really know my "self" so no, I'm not going to be driven underground and go private. Not yet. For now, I'm not going to change anything at all. Because I like me. And I like you. Because I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Moving on. Forever and ever.

Go has been on an koosh rotation and gets home early, has WEEKENDS off and EVEN MEMORIAL DAY. This is unearthly. This is crazy. This beyond all comprehension. It's also been good practice, getting use to him being around the house because someday, before I turn 40 let's hope, this is what it will be like.

Some things I've seen/heard around this house this week that perhaps the non-medical rest of the world might take for granted:
-Seeing my husband in the house during daylight.
-Seeing him help clean the kitchen for the past couple of nights which has sparked some lively controversy:

Go: Hey, where do we keep the kitchen towels?
Me: You know where.
Go: No, I don't.
Me: You're seriously asking me where we keep the kitchen towels right now?
Go: Yup.
Me: Right there. I've always kept them there.
Go: Ok, well now I know.


Go: Where does this go? (holding up a roasting pan he just dried off)
Me: (exasperated sigh)
Go: How am I supposed to know?
Me: Right. In the pantry.


Me: So why are you putting those bowls there?
Go: Because that's where they go.
Me: No, they've never gone there.
Go: Yah right. They're always there.
Me: Never in the past 2 years that we've lived here have I ever, ever, ever put those bowls in that cupboard.
Go: Well, where do they go then?
Me: (pointing to a different cupboard) Right there.
Go: Yah right. They've never gone there.

Sigh. It is really is nice to have him home, though. My kitchen has never been cleaner.

This Thing Here

Most of this blog is a satire. It is to be taken very tongue-in-cheek with lots of salt. And maybe a little nutmeg, too. Many of the things I write, I am aware that some could take offense, but if you want to know the truth, I write for people that know me well and know that I am kidding. My intent is never to offend, but to entertain. I believe I have only poked fun at things that I myself have taken part in, such as shopping at Wal-Mart, which I do weekly, sometime twice in one week when the universe is really against me; clothes from Target, which is where a hefty bit of my wardrobe is from; the state of Texas, where I actually lived for about 3 years. Those that know me well, know these things and because of that, it's even funnier and definitely satire. Also, I think it's funnier when I don't explain things all the way, like this picture.















Or the picture on my blog header, which was taken yes, on a exhibit at the Getty, but at a children's exhibit where you are encouraged to lay upon, jump on, etc. Yah, so that picture isn't as intriguing now that you know that, is it?

According to my StatCounter, I get over 400 hits a day on this thing, which makes me realize that there's a lot of people out there reading this that do not know me that well or at all, and think they know me just from my blog which is a only small slice, sometimes an untrue slice, of who I really am. Knowing that, I should curb the things I write, but I don't want to and don't feel I need to. Perhaps I should make my blog private as to not offend those who believe I am really at stuck up as I appear to be.

Choose Your Own Adventure #2

(Again, the following may or may not have really happened)

You are on a group date--an outside concert featuring a local band set above a new housing development in the hills of Provo. The music is ok, not great but this is Provo and you will take what you can get. It's about halfway through the show when you realize you have to use the restroom NOW, in fact, you probably had to 10 minutes ago but you were too busy trying to dazzle your date in effort to score many more dates in the future and in essence, lower your grocery bill. You look around and all you can see is dirt and rocks and some low lying bushes, definitely not big enough to hide behind. You turn around and peer downhill, and see the town of Provo aglow with righteous do-gooding. You remember the model homes you passed on your trek up. "Hey, I have to find a bathroom," you whisper to your date. "Can you wait?" your date asks you, like you are four years old. "Noooooo!" you say as you stamp your foot like a four year old. The two of you make your way down the mountain, a 10-15 minute climb at least. You come upon a showing of a model home. Bingo. "I'll be right back," you tell him and he grabs a realtor's flyer and makes himself comfy on the front porch. Inside it is a typical model home, warm, bright and over-decorated. You duck into the downstair's bathroom, praying you don't get snatched on the way in by an agent, but you are successful and find sweet relief in the pristine half-bath...until you realize that this pristine half-bath is without toilet paper. In fact, it's even without a toilet paper roll holder. (You would have wondered if the Bluth family often ran into this problem but Arrested Development doesn't exist yet.) There is a knock on the door. "Yes?" you answer. "Can I help you with something?" an irritated voice asks.

Choose your own adventure. Do you:

a) say "Yes, actually. I am in dire need of some toilet paper." From under the door, the buyer's agent slides several kleenexes and you are ever so grateful. You strike up a conversation with her afterwards and she hires you for part time work at her office, which means you won't have to try nearly as hard to win your date over, as some extra cash is now coming your way.

b) Make your date wait and drip dry.

c) say "No thanks!" and use a washcloth that is nestled in the corner of the counter and has been expertly folded to look like a swan. Throw the washcloth under the sink, flush, and dash out of that bathroom as fast as your exactly-to-the-knee length shorts can take you.

Everyone Listen and Listen Good

You may not want to rent this movie.
You may think it will be dumb, boring or crude.

It is, in fact, none of these things.

It's touching. It's sweet. It's funny. It's heartbreaking. It's hopeful. It's one of the best movies I've seen in a long, long time and I feel sorry for you if you never see it.

The Following May or May Not Have Really Happened

That day, you had actually tried. You tried because it was Thursday; the day you would see him. And by tried, I mean actually blew dried your hair, put on make up, a little perfume, wore something besides your Dad’s 20 year old church ball jersey.

You had walked up to campus feeling pre-tty good about yourself.

It was during finals week. All semester long in your sculpture class, you and he had exchanged witty banter that you had interpreted as mild flirtation. You had got along well, yet everything had been confined to class and he had never pursued otherwise. He was warm and friendly, yet oddly and frustratingly stand offish, which should go without saying, made him that much more attractive.

Class had ended and you were packing up to leave when you decided to make an extremely uncharacteristically bold move.

“Hey, what are you doing right now?” you asked.

“I was going to go get some food,” he said.

“Me, too. Do you want to come with me?” you said oh so casually, though mightily fighting the urge to vomit from nervousness all over his pretty-boy face.

“Sure," he asnwered as he looked at his watch. "I’m meeting up with my wife in about 20 minutes. She’d love to meet you.”

Yes. His wife. His wife you had no idea existed. The wife that gave him the wedding band, you went on to learn, that he’d take off and stick in his pocket before class because it was "easier to just take it off than to wash the clay off every time.” The wife that might have been a tad upset to learn that you had been infatuated with her husband for the past 4 months. Yah, that wife.

Choose your own adventure. Do you:

a) Stammer and bumble around like an idiot, claiming you don’t want to intrude. Do not mention that you thought he was single in hopes that maybe he didn’t realize you had just tried to make an ever so small move on him.

b) Start laughing uncontrollably. In between wheezes, you convey that you had no clue that he was married and why on earth did not wear his wedding ring, especially around young, eager, single girls, you dummy.

c) Shrug, say “Why not?” and go eat dinner with your wanna-be boyfriend and his wife. You might gain some valuable knowledge, like what kind of girl a guy like him would bag. You refrain from taking notes but learn you must be incredibly smart, incredibly skinny, incredibly pretty, and incredibly likable.

d) All of the above, pretty much all at the same time.

e) Grab a shovel and just start digging.

I am Kind of in Love With Her

For those of you who have grown disenchanted with SNL over the years, you're missing out. Mainly, you're missing out on Kristen Wiig. Last Saturday, she did another Suze Orman Show, which was dead on and then some. You can go here to watch the entire skit.


My two favorite lines:

"Not many people know this but I have a tatoo of decorative buttons going down my chest so no matter what, I always look like I'm wearing a jacket."

"Don't waste your money on expensive self tanners. Do what I do. Sit in a bathtub with 12 beef buillion cubes over night."

Just reading it doesn't do her justice--it's all about her delivery. She's so good. I watched the DVR'd SNL Monday. It's Friday and I'm still giggling.

Snap Back to Reality, Oh There Goes Gravity

BLEHCK:
Time zone changes. A big pile of mail that when I walk past it, it morphs into a giant mouth and growls "GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR MONEY!" Piles of laundry. Meetings to attend. Grocery shopping to do. Meals to make. Tiolets to clean. A 5th birthday party to plan. Floors to mop. Classes to teach. Pictures to take. Weeding to do. A newsletter to do. A lesson to plan. Blehck, blehck, blehck.

So most of the pictures I took, I took with my Dad's camera and have not yet figured out how to retrieve them, so in a year or so, expect a random blog titled "Remember When We Went To Disneyland Like a Year Ago?"

There were other highlights of the trip besides Mickey and fish tacos.

-I saw my mother in law get knocked down by a wave.

-I beat my mom in Speed Scrabble a bunch of times.

(Hey, Mother's Day is over, guys.)

-Almost made myself sterile trying to get up on my brother's fixed gear bike.

-Saw the actor who played "Marshall" on Alias at the Farmers Market (which isn't a Farmer's Market at all, actually) in L.A. sitting with the most random group of people I've ever seen.

-Went to my old ward and saw my buddy Shannon and got to hear first hand that her little Elle will be leaving the hospital soon and was able to see another buddy, Natalie very pregnant.

-Got to see my brother-in-law Harry in action with my BFF's little sister which thrilled my soul.

-Spent the day with Go's cousin Chris who is a sweetheart and single and is now added to the list of single guys we know that I don't think should be single--not so much for their sakes, but for some girl-out-there's sake.

-Met my newest niece, Allison.

-Consumed many an Izze drink.

-Successfully dodged the crazy mail lady.

-Harassed my brother for awhile for being so lazy.

-Watched my Dad replace his back window on his car with a cardboard box after it got shattered with a rogue bungee cord.

-Watched my Dad fix my brother's car window.

-Watched my Dad try to fix the water heater.

-Didn't shower for a couple of days (due to said broken water heater), but really that's nothing new.

I'm Confused.

If you can't tell from the picture, these are mini blinds with bite marks on them. Hundreds of bite marks. Am I raising children or puppies? Or maybe vampires.

I'm Messing With Texas

We had a 4 hour lay over at the Dallas/Fort Worth airport yesterday. What a way to spend a Mother's Day.

Yah, so Texas is as crazy as I always thought it was.

Some things I observed:

-Texans love their air conditioning. The minute I walked off the jetway and stepped into the airport, my nose hairs became icicles. They can't have it at a normal temperature or even just a little cool; it has to be blasting ice-cold, bone-chilling air into every square inch of their enormous buildings. An "Our air conditioning is bigger than your air conditioning" kind of thing. Or maybe wearing cowboy hats make your head hot. I wouldn't know.

-People wear cowboy hats for reals. Like they seriously get up in the morning, style their big hair and then put a cowboy hat on and think "There" and walk out their door. Which is bigger than your door, of course.

-The older you are, the thicker your Texas accent is. Like you've earned the right to have this thick of a Texas accent by all the years you've lived on this earth.

-They love their Coach bags. I saw more Coach bags there than I have in my entire life. I wouldn't be surprised if I had walked out the airport doors and the roads were paved in Coach material. Little c's and backwards c's everywhere.

-People throw religion around like it ain't no thang. So this chick with a neck brace walks into the restroom and is waiting next to me in line for a stall to open up. I look at her and give her a sympathetic smile. And that's all she gets from me, because that's all I would want from a total stranger if I were in her situation. So we're standing there, and it's about 10 seconds after I acknowledged her and her neck brace and this airline employee with huge blonde hair walks out of a stall, spots the chick with the neck brace and stops dead in her tracks. Her eyes widen and she makes a beeline over to Neck Brace with her hands clasped dramatically to her pursed lips and I can already tell this is going to be good.

Big and Blonde: Aw mah Lahrd! Mah goodness yew par thang! Whayt heppened to yew-ew?
Neck Brace: Oh, I was in a fender bender. It looks worse than it is, really.
BB: Aw no-oh! Yallar in pain, ay jest know eyt!!! Yall jest are so bray-ve.
Neck Brace: (nervous laugh) No, really. I'm ok.

And then Big and Blonde, without a word (thank goodness) puts her hands on both of Neck Brace's shoulders, leans her forehead so they're touching and seriously starts praying...in tongues. At first I thought it was just her accent but she was just jibber jabbering away like this was something she does every day. Neck Brace closes her eyes and lets Big and Blonde do her thing and it is one of the most bizarre experiences of my life.

-I saw this and threw up a little bit in my mouth. How "Fox News" is it to have a "Fox News Store"?

Some other photos I took while in Texas:

And from my seat:

Nonsense at the Getty

If you were born yesterday, then this is probably news to you: If you click on a picture, you will be able to view it in an enlarged format. And if you understood that, you are one smart baby.

A Pistachio Nut Shell

The girls' first trip to Disneyland. It was perfect-o.

And California Adventure Park was fun as well.
We learned that Ruby loves rollercoasters and May loves people dressed up in costumes.

This is my new addiction. I'm thinking of having Speed Scrabble parties at my house. Throw the kids down in the basement, the Moms upstairs getting their Scrabble on, speedy-like. Anyone up for it?

We saw this tonight. Blah. Typical comic book film: unlikely hero, evil bald man, and a shy, strawberry blonde love interest. Explosions. Quippy but unintelligent dialogue. Possibility of a sequel. This is the formula and they followed it.

Saw this the night before. EXCELLENT film. The soundtrack was skill. And I might name my next child Didier. We'll see.

Our first experience with one of these. It went something like this:

GPS Lady with a nasally, robotic voice: Turn...right...on Culver.

Go: Your MAMA turns right on Culver!

GPS Lady: Turn...left...on Jam...boree.

Go: No, YOU turn left on Jamboree!

A trip to the Getty. Beauty, beauty all around.

Beach. As in, "Life is a." I'd say about 35% of my meals have consisted of fish tacos.

*Real pictures will be posted when we get home. Until then, I'll be hanging onto this place by my fingernails, comic book movie style. "NOOOOoooooo!"

How The Other Half Lives

I'm having too fabulous of a time here in California to sit down and blog. I didn't realize it before but I blog out of boredom; luckily for you all, I live in Pennsylvania.

Merciful Heavens!

It's supposed to be
while we're in CA.

This makes me
Also, this trip is short and our extremely over-planned schedule has
so if I don't get to see every single one of my CA peeps, I will be back in August!