Yesterday I found myself at Target perusing the aisles when I came upon these beauties:
Here we have some novelty nutcrackers, just in time for the not-even-Halloween-yet season. Shown here, we have a basket ball player nutcracker, a rock star nutcracker, a boy hockey player nut cracker, and a girl hockey player nutcracker. I applaud them on trying to to exercise some gender equality but a girl hockey player...really? How many girls do you know that actually play hockey? And are so passionate about it, that they would want this in their house? I predict that this here girl hockey player nutcracker will be on clearance for $3.49 on December 26th, along with just about every other one that was made and distributed to every Target around the country.
Not shown here are also fishermen nutcrackers, both male and female (for aaaaaallllllll those women out there who just relish getting up at 4:30 in the morning, sticking rusty hooks into big, fat, wiggly worms, sitting in a leaky boat while getting bitten by mosquitoes, staring at the water while they wait for a fish to bite, just so they can reel it in, cut it open and take all the slimy guts out), soccer players and golfers, pirates - both male and female mind you, Army, Navy, Marine nutcrackers, a female shopaholic nutcracker, a chef, a baker, a male baseball player, fireman, policeman, a light skinned princess nutcracker, a dark skinned princess nutcracker...Man, would I have loved to sit in on this board meeting.
"Hey, I know! Let's sell nutcrackers that appeal to everyone!"
"Yes! Even demographics that hardly exist! Like female fishermen nutcrackers! And female hockey player nutcrackers!"
"What other non-existent demographics are there?"
"How about female sumo wrestler nutcrackers?"
"We'd have to up the price since those will take a lot more wood to make."
"True. Ok, what else do we got? Have we filled our racial equality quota by having both light and dark skinned princesses?"
"Hmmm...I don't think so. We're leaving out a lot of nationalities here. What do we think of a Native American nutcracker? They could wear a traditional head dress and be holding a peace pipe. We could also do an Eskimo nutcracker. They could be holding a dead harp seal! And what about an Asian nutcracker? Would it be racist to have them hold a bag of rice?"
"Or perhaps a calculator?"
"Yes, that would be generalizing, and therefore extremely racist."
"But what if we offered an All-American Nutcracker as well? And it was chubby and holding a Big Mac and a coke?"
"Still racist."
"Allright. Well, what about an Amish nutcracker? We could sell a little buggy as an accessory."
"Why would we do that? Who would we be selling that to? The Amish don't shop at Target. They don't shop anywhere."
"But what if they happen to be on their Rumspringa? This could fall into the category of a barely-there demographic."
"Perfect! Done!"
"Wait. Can't they whittle their own nutcrackers?"
"Hmmm...we'll table that one."
"Ok. Hey, have we thought about nutcrackers with disabilities? I mean, we might as well cover all of our bases here."
"A nutcracker in a wheel chair would cost too much to make. Hmmm...what about a nutcracker that just uses crutches? Or maybe a cane?"
"Or a nutcracker with autism? How about one with Type 1 Diabetes? A nutcracker with a speech impediment? What about a color blind nutcracker?"
"I know! How about a nutcracker with a peanut allergy?"
"Yes! A nutcracker with a severe intolerance to all tree nuts! Perfect!"
Personally, I think they should make a color blind chubby Asian nutcracker on crutches holding a harp seal with a lisp. I'd buy it. I'd also buy it's buggy accessory.
