Four Things Having Absolutely Nothing To Do With Each Other

1.
Happy birthday to my lover boy.
Looking forward to our birthday date tonight...
if he gets out of surgery in time, that is.
This is what I see on my iPhone whenever he calls me.
It gets me every time.


2.
I won a 12 week Kristi Approved-Live the Life program,
complete with meal guides, grocery lists, work out schedules,
a mentor for inspiration and motivation, etc.
From what I can tell, since I haven't received all the the literature yet,
it's like South Beach Diet Phase Two
meets P90X.
This is what I needed, friends.
I'm ready to kick it into high gear.
If my mentor was a man,
she'd look like this.
I know.
Intense.
If I even achieve a smidgen of what these people have achieved,
I will be really, REALLY proud of myself
because it's going to be hard.
But I'm really sick of my arms jiggling
in ways they shouldn't be.
I'm ready to work..

3.
Friday Photos: May and Olive on the Swings in Black and White
We had a good time.


4.
This morning our little Fischer Price walkee-talkee
picked up someone else's walktee-talkee conversation
and it was thrilling.
If I had been a teen in the 70's,
I would have totally been a HAM radio geek.
That is all.

You Would Think By Now I Could Locate Uganda With My Eyes Closed

Maps, people. More maps. It's an illness. But I'll have you know that I passed up several beautiful globes yesterday. That were all good prices! As a reward for not purchasing any globes, I bought a vintage illustrated geography/zoology book. You understand my logic, I'm sure. You so get me.

I'm using 4 of my favorites for myself...or maybe 8. I haven't decided yet. I'm having a hard time parting with any of them but Miss Cheapy Pants was like "Ooo-wee, honey. You best be selling your leftovers, chile," (I've mentioned that Miss Cheapy Pants is Mammy, right?) so I'll be putting my surplus in the etsy shop. Seriously, how cool are these?

If you're more into botanical prints, I have some beautiful vintage butterfly and moth illustrations as well.

Also, some rad vintage phonic work book pages that would rock any child's room or play area. Bam a lam a ding dong!

Playing is Fun!

Are your children's make-believe scenarios as disturbing as my children's?

"Ok. Pretend you're a baby and I find you abandoned in a Kleenex box wearing nothing but a soggy blue bandanna for a diaper. I'm a one-legged waitress at a 24-hour diner and I find you in one of my booths after your parents leave you there on purpose, their tummy's full of regret and Shepherd's Pie. Instead of contacting the authorities, I decide to raise you. We get along fine for the next 18 years until I tragically die in a Special Olympics wind surfing accident, leaving you penniless and forced to work in the very diner where you found."

So maybe I elaborated a little but their imaginations are almost as bleak when they play. Someone is an abandoned baby. Someone else has a deformity. Someone dies. There's always some sort of poverty involved.

Why all the drama?

Instead, I wish they were playing happy, shining make believe.

"Ok, so we're both well-adjusted college graduates applying for grad school. In our spare time we ladle minestrone soup to the homeless and design clothes for local boutiques. We live together in an old textile factory that has been remodeled into condos. There's a hip but nutty old woman who lives next door and we spend every evening with her sipping pomegranate limeade and playing dominoes."

We've Also Spent Some Time Outside So Far This Spring

Friday Photo: May May in the Morning

Next Up

I'd like to make myself this dress.
Or something like it.
Since I don't have a real one
(sniff!)
I'll first probably need to make a duct tape dress form.

I'm looking forward to it.

Because who doesn't like to get wrapped up
in 3 whole rolls of duct tape?
Honey child, please!

Tidbits Concerning Our Eastern Caribbean Cruise: The Goods and the Bads

Good: vacations in general. It's healthy to step out of your routine and look at your life. It makes you appreciate things you didn't before, gives you new resolve to be better in different areas of your life, allows you to slow down and breathe, draws you closer to both who you're with enjoying and who you are away from missing.

Bad: Intoxication. Neither Go nor I drink. I haven't spent much time with drunk people, so when I am with the inebriated, I find myself annoyed, uncomfortable and wanting to punch them in the face. They talk loud, they touch you too much, they point out the obvious, they smell, their intelligence level, and therefore interest level, plummets. I don't find being around people who are intoxicated funny or a good time. It's like having someone sit there and lie to you. I like when people are straight-up real with me. I whole-heartily appreciate "you see what you get" type of people. People who have had too much to drink are unpredictable and altered, the opposite of the aforementioned qualities I admire. Cruise ships = alcohol and lots of it.

Good: Almost all of my books. From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankenweiler: Just as good as I remembered. Captured: classic great Harlan Coben plot. The Hunger Games= Enders Game meets Survivor meets Twilight, so two out of three made a pretty good book. Looking forward to Catching Fire. I'm a sucker for a series. As long as it isn't lame. Like Twilight.

Bad: The History of Love. Well, maybe not bad. I'm only a quarter into it. So far, I'm not impressed but maybe I just had too high of hopes.

Good: 500 Days of Summer. The movie ran like 24/7 no matter where I was on the cruise ship. To Go this was a bad thing, since he hated the movie, but I loved that movie. I ran like 20 miles and didn't even realize while watching it on the tread mill. Ok, so maybe not 20 miles. Maybe like 3. But still. I could have kept running if there hadn't been a line of people waiting to get on.

Bad: At Sea an extra day: we didn't get to port in Grand Turk--it was too windy and the captain felt it was unsafe to try to dock. This was the island I was looking forward to most; it's less touristy and more rural.

Good: Bahamas, St. Thomas and St. Maarten.

Bad: My suspicions were correct: I am not a cruise-person. I loved our vacation and am glad I finally got to experience what a cruise is like but I think I'm too antsy or too ADHD for being stuck on a ship for that long. And I wanted to really explore the islands but there wasn't enough time. Cruises are also lazy and gluttonous which made me feel simultaneously giddy and icky, which was confusing.

Good: The sun and the sea. I belong in it.

Bad: Buffets. I gained several pounds.

Good: People watching. Oh my. The things I observed on this trip, little visual nuggets of gold.

Bad: This cruise has completely ruined Bob Marley and Jimmy Buffet for me indefinitely. By the end, if I heard one more rendition of "Buffalo Soldier" or "Margaritaville", I would have come home with a permanent twitch.

Good: My Mom. She did an awesome job while we were gone and she even had a sick kid on her hands for part of it, and a sick Diabetic to boot, which is a whole different ball game. A scary and difficult ball game. And now my kids are calling me Grandma.

Bad: Nothing.

Good: Lightened hair. Darkened skin. Getting dolled up every night. Sudoku. Dancing with my boy. Snorkeling. Turquoise water. White sand. Emerald green eyeliner. The fruit. Staying up late. Sleeping in. Napping. Room service. Room stewards. Calamari. Mango smoothies. Bruschetta. Escargot. King prawns. Lots of happy Filipinos for Go to speak Tagalog with. Jacuzzis. Being swayed to sleep every night by the ship. Palm trees. Warm air. And so, so much more.

Now That I'm Back and Looking at the Previous Post on a Real Computer

Um, in my defense, the sun was super bright in the Caribbean and cast a mighty glare on my phone's screen, thus making it nearly impossible to plainly see the photo of myself which I blindly, as it were, posted on the spot for all to see.

But what's done is done.

Also in my defense: you start feeling pretty secure with your quite average physique after being on a cruise ship for a couple of days, what with the unquestionably high rate of swim-suited passengers with their swollen beer bellies, their legs ravaged with varicose veins, their obvious fungal infections, and their unflattering drunken gyrations.

Coming to You Live from St. Thomas

Adventure #1

What do you do when someone climbs up on the wiring above the train
tracks right next to your train headed to Philly, thus causing all
power to be shut off, leaving you stranded 20 miles from the airport?
You be sure to be the first to call a cab, angering the less-proactive
passengers also desperate to get to their destinations and split the
fare with Steve from the Alabama coast line and discuss the jubilee
phenomenon.

Sent from my iPhone

My Luggage is Mainly For Transporting My Library

Sketch Journaling

When we're on our trip next week, I won't be taking my camera. I'm bummed but it's too risky. Like what am I supposed to do with it when I'm in the water? Just leave it on my stolen cruise ship towel on the shore? So I'm going to be keeping a sketch journal of images I don't want to forget. (Enter Nude-Beach-Joke here.) I've done this on trips before and I'm always so glad I take the time to do it; those little quick sketches take me right back. I went looking through the dusty archives of this four-year old blog (p.s.-I used to be a lot funnier when I only had 2 kids) because I had sworn I had posted some of them but I think I chickened out, not wanting to appear like I was starved for attention concerning my artwork or something. Picture me wearing my Vote for Pedro T-shirt because that's, like, SO 2004. Or I did it and I just can't find that post, in which case, you've seen most of these before. Well, either way, I love to see other people's sketches so I figure you'd like to see mine. Do I really need to be explaining this at the point we're at in the blogosphere? I mean, really.
Here are some from when we went to San Fransisco (do you hear my thumping heart?) for 5 (of some of the best days of my life) in March of 2006.

B.C. and A.C.

Pictured on the left: B.C. = before cruise
Pictured on the right: A.C. = after cruise

B.C.:
-I work out about 3 times a week, mostly spin/cardio.
-I eat whatever. I don't pig out but there's not a whole lot of restricting going on, either.
-I eat before I go to bed.
-I don't drink much water.
-I don't get enough sleep.
-I don't take vitamins.
-I don't eat enough vegetables.
-I don't eat enough fiber.
This makes for a tired, cranky, untoned-upper bodied 140 pound girl with bloodshot eyes and bad skin.

Cruise: Last hurrah.

A.C.:
-I work out 5-6 times a week, with a balance of spin/cardio and lifting. P90X.
-I eat healthy, small portions. South Beach diet.
-I close the kitchen after dinner.
-I drink crazy amounts water.
-I get 7-8 hours of sleep.
-I take my vitamins.
-I eat a lot of vegetables.
-I eat a lot fiber.
This plan makes for an alert, happy, toned-upper bodied 125/130 pound girl with clear eyes and glowing skin.

I hate to say it because I need to be fired up for my new way of life A.C., but I am SO looking forward to my last hurrah next week, basking in my last lazy B.C. days.

Old Random Pictures from Photobooth

If aliens took over the world,
exposing us all to a deadly alien-virus resulting in the end of the entire human race,
with only our computers left as evidence as our existence,
what conclusions, I wonder, would aliens draw from the Reynolds' Photobooth?

We human train our young to bite and bite hard. Go for the jugular.


Some humans have eyeballs like Australian Shepherd dogs...
and the aliens would know what Australian Shepherd dogs looked like because
everyone knows Australian Shepherd dogs are immune
to deadly alien-virus and thus, would survive.
Duh.

The gazes of human mothers have piercing hypnotic properties.

There is an overabundance of Nick Nolte-look alikes. And they would know who Nick Nolte is because he, like Australian Shepherd dogs, is also immune to deadly alien-viruses.

Young people are stoic and cool and have extremely light-sensitive eyes.

Humans develop abnormal hair growth when under stressful situations. They also develop cheeseball-like qualities and become "That guy."

Scary. Humans are scary.

Humans with facial hair are angry individuals and prefer to be spoken to at a 3/4 profile.

Humans have tiny, tiny feet.

Humans are a bored species. Or rather, humans are a boring species.

But most of all, I think they'd come to the conclusion that we are self-obsessed,
what with the 600 pictures we have on our Photobooth.

Friday Photo: Daddy Daughter Hallway Date

I know, Right?