The Following Things Made Me Beyond Happy Today

Kind of Embarrassing

If you've been a reader of this blog for awhile, you might be able to recall that I like to read the verbage on the packaging of products.

On my new B&B color support conditioner:

Caution: Do not use for dyeing eyelashes or eyebrows; to do so may cause blindness. Avoid getting in eyes.

It's a good I read that or:

"I regret to inform the readers of Deep Lunges & Unitards that this will be my last post ever, as unfortunately last night I was trying to dye my eyelashes with my conditioner and now I am blind."

Today's Travel Trivia

1. How long does it take to get from PA to Atlanta?

a. 1.5 hours
b. 0.5 hour
c. 2 hours
d. 1 hour

2. How long does it take to get from Atlanta to Orange County?

a. 4 hours
b. 3.5 hours
c. 4.5 hours
d. 5 hours

How exhausted will you be after traveling by yourself with two children and a 6 month old fetus?

a. not that exhausted
b. slightly exhausted
c. medium exhausted
d. extremely exhausted

If you answered:
1. (c)
2. (d)
3. (d)

give yourself a high five! If you answered a, b, or c for question 3, then obviously you've never travelled by yourself for 12 hours with two children and a 6 month old fetus.

Bathroom Humor Never Disappoints in This House

Since we're spending Christmas in Vegas/Irvine as usual, we celebrated here in PA early last Sunday. Santa was super nice and brought May what she had been talking about for months, which was a Baby Alive Learns to Potty. Yup, he really did.

This morning, the girls were playing with her (who's name is Flower, says May), feeding her bottles and watching her pee, each time screaming like Flower had just finished a marathon.

After about the 80th time running across the house, carrying a mini-toilet full of fake pee to show me, I was afraid they would spill, plus I was done pretending to be excited about Flower's fake urine.


Me: Girls, you don't need to show me her pee-pee anymore.
Ruby: Why not?
Me: Because I know what pee looks like. I've been peeing my whole life.

Ruby: (laughs hysterically for about 5 minutes, finally calms down and with a big sigh says)
Oh, man. That was a good one, Mom.

Fun Activity Idea To Do Instead of Sleeping at Night #5 and #6

#5. See what you'd look like if you wore the fanciest hijab in the mosque!

#6. Look up "insomnia" on wikipedia and diagnose yourself.
After thorough research, you deduce you have both:
Acute insomnia, which is the inability to consistently sleep well for a period
of between three weeks to six months
and
Middle-of-the-Night-Insomnia, which is characterized by difficulty returning to sleep
after awakening in the middle of the night, also referred to as nocturnal awakenings.

After reading a long list of causes that don't exactly ring true to you,
you find one line that finally fits the bill:
"An overactive mind may also be a cause."
You knew it. You are a genius with an overactive mind.

A Little Creepiness for Today

So there's this blog that I stalk. Like seriously stalk. I don't know the chick. I don't even know someone who knows her. Or anyone who knows someone who knows her. I am so far removed from this girl, that I should not be reading her blog, but I totally do. I do more than read, though. I pour over it. I salivate even.

Confession: I want to be her.

No. I won't tell you which blog it is. Because I plan on stealing her life one day and it's going to be mine. All mine.

Christmas Dresses

Someday I'll take as good of pictures of my own family as I do for other people's.

Maybe if I paid myself more money...
Oh well.
What these pictures lack in photography swagger, they make up for in cuteness.

Raccoon

Now somewhere in the Black Mountain hills of Dakota
There lived a young girl named May May Raccoon...

If baby #3 is a monkey,
than baby #2 is a raccoon.

Oh let me count the ways.

In the past 2 weeks or so, she has managed to:

-get into my makeup, grind blush into the carpet and draw on our duvet cover with mascara
-lather up her hair with lotion
-draw lines with permanent marker up and down her legs
-unload every single piece of clothing from her dresser (this has happened on more than one occasion) and try every single piece on
-draw "rainbows" in one of my books out of my own children's book collection (which I keep separate from the girls' books)
-open up several packages of tights that I was trying keeping "safe" so they could be returned
-smear a thick layer of pink toothpaste across the bathroom counter
-adhere stickers on our hard wood floor
-climb into the baby's crib so she could draw "way up high" on the wall (I'm glad this happened BEFORE I painted the walls)
-flush an entire box of Kleenex down the toilet
-rub deodorant all over her body (this also has happened on more than one occasion)
-slip Ruby's two teeth that she lost into my water glass I keep on my nightstand

I do keep an eye on my child.
Just not during her nap when I think she's sleeping and she's not.
She's just very quiet when she wants to be.
Like a raccoon. A mischievous, mischievous raccoon.

Fun Activity Idea To Do Instead of Sleeping At Night #4

Feed the baby who is currently taking up residence within you a banana.

Your snack choice is two-fold:

1. You've heard the potassium found in bananas might help
with subsiding your toe-wrenching Charlie Horses.

2. There are times, due to the insane amount of
kicking, drumming, tap dancing, twisting, twirling, somersaulting
you think there might be a monkey in there instead of a baby.

Fun Activity Idea To Do Instead of Sleeping At Night #3

Look at images on the internet done by artists and illustrators who you love and cry a little!

Ramon Casas

Jon J. Muth

Modigliani
Arthur Rackham

Chuck Close

Lisbeth Zwerger


N.C. Wyeth
Gustav Klimt
Robert Sabuda

David Wiesner

Ruth Christian Gannett
Maxfield Parrish

Lauren Child

Howard Pyle

Ian Falconer

Lane Smith

William Joyce

Fun Activity Idea To Do Instead of Sleeping at Night #2

Contemplate what life would be like without your chin!

This Guy Must Not Have Slept Last Night Either

Me: Hi, yah, I have a question about my daughter's insulin pump.

Customer Service Guy: Certainly. Before we start, could I get some information from you?

Me: Sure.

Guy: Could I have your first name, please.

Me: Annie.

Guy: A-n-n-y?

Me: I-e.

Guy: A-n-n-y-i-e?

Me: No, A-n-n-i-e.

Guy: Ok, thank you. And your last name, please?

Me: Reynolds.

Guy: R-a-n-o-l-d-s?

Me: No, r-e-y-n-o-l-d-s.

Guy: R-e-y-n-a-l-d-s?

Me: o-l-d-s.

Guy: a-o-l-d-s?

Me: No. R. E. Y. N. O. L. D. S.

Guy: R-e-y-n-o-l-d-s?

Me: Yes.

Guy: Ok, thank you. And you're calling about your daughter's insulin pump, is that correct?

Me: Yes.

Guy: And her first name?

Me: Ruby.

Guy: R-u-b-b-i-e?

Me: No, just one b and no i-e, just a y.

Guy: R-u-b-b-y?

Me: Just one b. R-u-b-y.

Guy: R-u-b-y?

Me: Yes! Perfect!

Guy: Ok, thank you. And her last name?

Me: Reynolds as well.

Guy: R-e-n-a-l-d-s?

Me: Sigh.

And Now For a New Post Series

Fun Activity Ideas To Do Instead of Sleeping At Night


#1. See what you'd look like if you wore a hijab!

New Do

They say you should never do anything drastic to your hair when you're pregnant

but they aren't the boss of me.

Prudence is Prudent When You're Preggers

Oh, hi there. I'm coming to you from our PC that I forgot about while our Maceewackeeshnoopywoopykins is still at the Apple doctors. I've got to blog quick before my throat starts to close up due to a Dell-induced anaphylactic shock. That or before I start saying "Hello, I'm a PC."

Something that has been on my mind lately:

I really don't like the words "preggers" or "preggo." The other night while trying to fall asleep I tried to decide which of the two words I disliked more. An answer never came, just heavy slumber accompanied by a dream that Go opened up his plastic surgery practice office where I had an art studio built onto it so that I could paint people and their new bodies post-op as part of a package deal. While I think I might be onto something big, BYU would be very disappointed in me. No flesh colored leotards in that dream. Anywho, I don't like using those two words. Too cutsie-wootsie. Nor do I like the term "expecting," like "I heard you were expecting," said by that polite friend who's known it for weeks now but has waited until she is absolutely positive that you've got a little person in there and not 18,000 grilled cheese sandwiches. It always makes me want to reply with a snarky "Expecting what?" Also, saying "expecting" seems so Victorian, like I need to reply with a hushed "Why yes, Prudence, I am indeed expecting but please do not breathe a word of it to Mister Reynolds. He'd fall right off of his steed whilst on his fox hunt, as I haven't yet gathered the courage to tell him. I'm waiting until the time is just right, which I think shall be tonight, right after I take off my wig and am brushing through my matted tendrils with my pewter comb. You know the one--with the mother of pearl inlays? Yes, that shall be the perfect moment. So if you would kindly keep this ghastly secret discreet, I would deeply appreciate it. Prudence dear, would you be so kind as to pass the grilled cheese sandwiches? Oh yes, do take another before you pass the platter this way. I quite agree with your sentiments towards these delightful sandwiches. I ought not have any more American cheese for as long as I live but I can't quite seem to consume enough! It must be because I'm...expecting? Tee-hee! Tee-hee!" On the flip side, saying "knocked up" is a little too irreverent, even for me. (Big strides being made here.) And just saying "I'm pregnant," sounds clinical and almost gross for some reason. I've decided that I really just like saying "Yes, I've got a baby in my tummy."

Betrayal and then Redemption

On this, Thanksgiving Day, I am grateful for our Apple Care plan. For the last couple of days our beautiful Mac has constantly been getting overheated and shutting down. In almost 8 years of being giddy, happy Apple owners of two perfectly healthy Macs, this is the first problem we've encountered. I couldn't help feel like I was at a middle school dance and the boy I like keeps asking other girls to dance, but when I found out that there was 2 weeks left on our warranty, making it possible to get our computer fixed free of charge, I felt like even though he has been asking others girls to dance all night, he has been saving the last dance for me all along. And it's a really long song, like Hotel California. Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle. Round and round.

See you in 5-7 business days.

Yo! Yo! Yo! Thanxgiving, Yo!

We had a deee-lightful early Thanksgiving this weekend. Good family, good friends, good food. I really don't need much else.

The turkey and it's gravy was successful. Not too salty at all but I didn't just follow one recipe, I kind of combined like 20. It was delish. Everything was.

I was kind of disappointed we didn't all hold hands, go around the table and say what we were grateful for. It probably got overlooked as we were all quite mesmerized by Go, who while dishing up his dinner, serenaded us with Salt 'n Peppa's None of Your Business.

If we had gotten the chance though, I would have said something like this: "I am grateful for a steady and strong husband, one who works hard, loves me and our girls and never ceases to both amaze and entertain me with his ability to remember every word from "The Mormon Rap."

Salt of the Earth

I would venture to say that Go and I's relationship was first built upon a large mound of salt.With him, when it comes to food, everything must be salty. All meat must be marinated for him to truly enjoy it. His favorite foods: green olives, kipper snacks, anchovies, capers, popcorn, pretzels, salty cheeses, salty crackers, salt and vinegar chips and just a good old plain spoon full of salt never disappoints. Just kidding but the salty list continues. I mean, I really like salty food myself; I was known to sneak a nibble of dried play dough back in my day, but he hardly likes anything unless it's salty.

If you've been a reader of this blog for awhile I've already established that I was a creep dog and had my eye on him a couple of years before I officially met him, right? "Art History Boy." Is this ringing any bells? Well, after finally officially meeting him and discovering that he and I lived on the same street, I made it my mission to get him to ask me out on a date. This was tricky for me, as I had also made it a rule never to be The Pursuer, but always be The Pursued. I turned my nose up towards aggressive females! As if! So uncharacteristically, I went out on a limb, made a cake with homemade chocolate frosting, called his apartment and invited him and his room mate Ethan over for dessert, which was also uncharacteristic of me--to appear the slightest bit domestic. I've come a long way, people. So even though I was uncomfortable, I made that cake, the frosting, the phone call, they accepted and came over. With trembling hands, I cut the three of us big, fat slices. We all sat around at my ghetto mustard yellow kitchen table upon my mustard yellow plastic chairs and took our first bites. Splat! Out came Ethan's bit right back onto his plate. Splat! Out came mine as well. All I could taste was salt. And lots of it. "What did you do?" Ethan exclaimed through a pinched face. I jumped up, went over to my recipes and discovered I had put in like 4 times the amount of salt the frosting recipe called for. Mortified, I turned around and looked at Go. Surely I had just blown the mission. I had for sure scared the guy off with my salt frosting. But his plate was completely empty. He licked his fork and asked for seconds.
"Are you serious? Pff. Shut up." (I really have a way with men, don't I? I should write a book.)
"No, really. That was good. Is that ok if I have some more?"
"But, it's so salty! Here. I'll scrape the frosting off for you."
"No way! This frosting's good," he said.
Ethan looked at him like he was crazy. He did not ask for seconds and I don't blame him at all. Go finished off his second helping in minutes flat. Didn't even flinch. He might have even asked for thirds. He complemented me on my baking and ate every morsel, salt frosting and all. And thus began our love affair that was built upon a mound of salt.

As is tradition, this weekend we are celebrating Thanksgiving a week early with (half of) our old med school buddies who will be making the drive all the way from Pittsburgh. I can hardly wait. (Jacksons, you will be sorely missed.) Since we're hosting that means that we, of course, are cooking the turkey. This will be our first turkey ever. Go's reaction to this: "Hey, see if you can find a good recipe for a salt brine! We really need to brine it first. "

Ringgers, I hope a little salt won't scare you off. My Thanksgiving issue of Bon Appetit magazine arrived and suggests a salt rub instead of a brine...Go couldn't be more pleased.

Stumped

What do I get these two clowns for Christmas?

As shown here, last year's gift to John was a hit.

I'd like to keep that momentum going.

Things that come to mind off the top of my head for him this year:

Anti-convulsion medication

A gift certificate for a tatoo on his other pec--maybe of Niagara Falls?

Somehow fill him with false hope,
convincing him that he'll forge ahead
as the first Garlock boy to graduate college
with a full head of hair.

Skateboard lessons

A bottle of Creep Sauce

Possibilities for Joseph:

A shirt with buttons

A shirt with sleeves

Actual swim trunks to wear to the beach instead of undies

Some children to scare

Raise this dog from the dead.

Or maybe I should do a combined gift. Some bubble bath, perhaps.

Or maybe a good old fashioned family hair-chop-off session.

Or matching Hefner jackets for old times sake.

Me? I won't be needing any more hair spray this year, thanks.
Shockingly, I still have enough leftover from 1991.

Mama Don't Take My Kodachrome Away

Tis the season for family picture taking.
I've been busy.

Click here to see with what.