The Big Girls Go to School

Monday morning's motto was "Be brave."  I didn't intend it to become that way but I think ended up saying that sentence about 20 times.  They were scared--scared to go to a new school, scared that they didn't know anyone, scared to have teachers they knew nothing about, scared about not knowing where things were or their way around, etc.  In typical Ruby fashion, she started to cry but only after she had turned and thought I couldn't see her, and even turned around to try to smile through tears, wanting to protect me, not wanting to have me worry about her.  It ripped my heart out, almost more than May, who was sobbing.  I had to pry her off my legs.  It was really, really rough.  I cried all the way back to the car, back home and while I told my mother-in-law about the whole scene.  Ugh.  But Ruby's teacher was nice, her school "nurse" (health helper lady) is awesome (thrilled!) and May's teacher is SO great, so at the end of the day, everyone was all smiles. This picture was taken before school during Juni's nap, before the drama hit.

 

Friday Photo: Juniper, Week 33

I think we'll take her.

What I Want

This next phase in our life is providing me with a new beginning, a chance to think about my life and what changes I'd like to make.  I have so many, it's sort of overwhelming.

"What I Want", presented in bullet points.

-I want to have a positive attitude no matter what my circumstance is.  We are coming up on a whole lot of unknowns. Basically everything is up in the air right now.  This is mentally and emotionally uncomfortable for me.  I can't choose what happens but I can choose how I react to it and in turn, how that reflects on my life.  If I whole-heartedly believe that things aren't that bad, then they won't be.  My attitude will become my reality.

-I want to be truly happy for the good things that happen in the lives of those I love, no matter what's going on in my own life.

-This sort of goes with the statement above, but I want to completely squelch the emotion of envy or jealousy from my whole being.  It's so unbecoming and just gross.  I used to be pretty good about this but in the last little while, I have notice it creep back in and it's time to stomp it out completely.  I believe this can happen by actively seeking ways to exercise more gratitude.

-This goes along with the above, but I want time the time to notice more things to be grateful for and express it.

-I want to build my relationship with God.  I want to feel His presence more in my life and as a result, I believe I will be able to see His hand more clearly, which is something I think is really important.

-I want to get used to having a husband and father around. I don't know if I can explain this one very well, but I've learned to function really well without Go.  On the weekends when he's around, I'm all out of sorts, I have a hard time being productive, I'm out of my routine, it messes with me and I can get cranky.  What a waste of something good.  I would like to figure out how to turn this behavior around.

-I want to focus on health rather than weight loss but without really focusing on it, if that makes sense. Going to the gym now will be completely up to me and for the first time in 9 years, not because I *have* to be there to teach a spin class.  I would like to adopt an active lifestyle and most of all, eat clean.  The other side to this is that I would like to do this without having to talk about it all the time and not let it rule my life.  Just do it and shut up about it like it ain't no thang. I admire people who live their live this way and don't feel the need to constantly talk about it...it just...IS.

-I want more order. I lived the first part of my life being extremely sloppy. I was just born that way; it's my nature to be disorderly and helter skelter. Every year since  I've been married to my OCD neat freak, I've become more orderly and more tidy to keep the peace and out of respect for him and his space.  It's been really hard to literally change the course of my DNA. Today I am in no way on the same level as Go but I'm really proud of the strides I've made in this area.  I'd like to keep continuing down that path.  Living at my in-laws will be good for me and my continuous battle to become more clean and tidy.  I'm going to try very hard to be conscientious about keeping their home in order and not feel like we've completely bulldozed their whole life with our crap.

-I want to be more careful about the way I react to my children.  I want to slow my mind and really think about what I say and how I say it rather than just let the first thing that comes to my mind fly out of my mouth because oftentimes it can be sarcastic, more harsh than is necessary or instead of explaining things, just say whatever is quickest or easiest.  They deserve for me to be more careful with them verbally.

-I want to live more deliberately.  It's something I've been thinking a lot about lately and another blogger, I forget who, mentioned this and it was like "YES!  Exactly!" It's hard to put into words what I mean but the things I do, from the smallest to the largest need to hold greater purpose than they do or have been.  I generally don't think about the reasons I do things or don't do things; I just go and do or don't do. I'd like to spend my time more wisely, slow down, find greater purposes and let them soak in.

-I need to spend less time with things that are electronic and more time with things that are organic.  No longer having a photography business will be a huge part of this.

-I need to give my children more attention and can do this by the sentence above.  I want to incorporate them more in the things I love to do and share that joy; realize that every moment holds the potential to be a memory.  This doesn't necessarily mean that I have orchestrate some big project or activity on a daily basis.  Just being together and smiling is important.

...19 days more and then it's the start of something new.  And now it's time to get off the computer and do something fun with my girls.

45 Days Left

Every status update I post on Facebook lately has been about moving.  It's all-consuming.  I think some people here in PA might be a little offended that I'm this eager to get gone, but I think what they might not understand is how hard our time in Pennsylvania has been for us.  It's been so difficult that I don't feel like people can relate to me any more, even other people who have gone through residency. This notion is ridiculous and a little...snotty or something, like my problems are worse than everyone else's, which I know is totally wrong to think that way.  Everything is relative.  I know that everyone has hardships in their life but because of all the factors--the excruciatingly long hours, the absentee father, the quasi-single parenthood, being so far away from our families, dealing with seasonal depression, financial hardship, health issues left and right, and a handful of other stresses I don't feel to share publicly, I feel like I'm a soldier coming back from war--trying to fit in and relate to normal civilians is awkward and strange. I feel like some sort of survivor, who someone no one else except for Go, will really ever understand.  That's the silver lining, I guess, about this whole thing.  At the end of this, I feel incredibly bound to him in a way I didn't before, necessarily.  I also realize how whiny and "wo is me" this sounds and I sort of hate myself for it, but that's just where I'm at right now and someday I will stop talking about it and feel normal and relatable again, hopefully.  Every time I sit and think about it being over, I get emotional; it's just so hard to believe that it's really coming to an end.  10 years is a long time. A lot of our hardships will be alleviated once we're done with residency, I'm just anxious to leave them behind and that's where my enthusiasm for moving comes from.  I'm going to miss the wonderful people I've met here in my little communities--church, the gym, the school.  I've met some incredible people here but I know there's some gems out there in Vegas for me to find as well.  All this is not to say that I think Vegas will be paradise in every area of my life.  I know we have some really hard times ahead, possibly even more financially stressing; I do not recommend opening an medical practice all by yourself from scratch if you want to be carefree and wealthy.  I believe in him though, and we are doing it and it feels like a great adventure.  The nice thing is, we have absolutely nothing to lose if it doesn't work out but I really think it will.  The future, though uncertain, has the great potential to be bright.  And that's good enough for me.

Go and I are going to Hawaii right after we're done, the girls will stay in Irvine with my parents.  I cannot wait. I day dream about it hourly.  We need this like you wouldn't believe.  Then right after that, we head to Vegas and hit the ground running.  Our plans to move into a home have halted, as it's nearly impossible to get financed with no proof of income and especially since our house here in PA still hasn't sold, so we will be living at my in-laws indefinitely.  I've come around to being ok with this.  I've had to because it was our only choice.  Every other avenue was a dead end.  Though the situation is less than ideal, their house is more than ample to accommodate us, there's always something fun going on, and I not only love them but I like them, so I'm just focusing on being grateful for the opportunity.  

And that's the end.  In the meantime, I will be purging, packing, coordinating, scheduling, sweating, slaving, dreaming, and hoping. 

Things

-The girls start school tomorrow and are very much still on Pacific Coast time, which is three hours behind our current Eastern Standard time position. Ouch.

-I never thought I'd say this but I am so excited to move to Las Vegas, that I can barely contain myself. I've come to learn that when it comes to location, sunshine and family is all I need to be happy and that freaky place has an abundance of both.

-Speaking of sunshine, I started taking Vitamin D supplements in hopes to thwart my raging S. A. D. If the supplements don't get me through this last winter here in the dark northeast, Zillow will.

-I am not making any official New Years resolutions this year. I'm pretty sure selling a house, moving across the country, buying a house, starting a business and getting it off the ground will be overwhelming enough. Not to mention still getting use to having four children and keeping them happy, healthy, well feed, clean-clothed, etc.

-The official purge of our home to get ready to sell and then move has begun. Most of our stuff is so junky, though, I'm totally embarrassed to give our stuff away to people I know. Everything is so old (1970's and not the cool 1970's) and broken (Ikea) and just bad looking (garage sales and dumpster dives) that I am having a really hard time asking people I know if they want our junk for free. I feel like I should be paying them for actually taking the crap off my hands and out of my house.

-This trip back home and to our future home was probably my favorite Christmas trip ever. Lots of tender and good things went down. Exciting things are happening for our family members.

-Juniper will only nap in her carseat in the car or in her swing. This worries and frustrates me. I've never had a kid that refuses to go to sleep (during the day) in her crib. Suggestions anyone?

-My baby weight is not shedding the way it usually does. This concerns me. I'm trying to approach it by focusing on health, mostly to set an example for my girls. I don't want them focusing on weight. I want them focused on health, and so I will too. Its going to be slow going and it's hard not to get discouraged.

-I walked around in what will probably be (haven't officially signed anything yet but a verbal acceptance has been made) Go's office. We will (assuming things go as planned) be sharing the office space with an existing physician and when its official, I'll expand. Even though Go's stressed out of his mind about starting up, I'm so excited for him. He's worked so incredibly hard, harder than anyone I know. I just keep thinking of that first appointment he'll have. It's a good thing I won't be there with him, otherwise I'd be blubbering all over the place. Awkward. Also, I can't wait to get my hands on the current waiting room of his office. It needs some TLC and I'm ready to give it some.

-Lately, I've been told by several strangers (three different times at the airport, twice while at the doctor's office/hospital, etc) the same sentence: "You have such a wonderful family." I find it a peculiar thing to say to someone you don't know. How do these people know my girls are wonderful by merely observing them for a couple of minutes? I don't know, but they always seem sincere and I've decided just really good judges of character.

-That is all.

Remember That Time When I Used to Blog Regularly?

...that was awesome. After "THE MOVE", I plan on jumping back in, FYI. But probably not before that, as on most days, I feel like I'm drowning and with all that lies ahead in the next 6 months, it's almost completely overwhelming...and I'm not someone who gets overwhelmed easily.

Lately:

-Juniper, my dear, sweet, darling fourth child has been kicking my booty. I wouldn't describe her as colicky but she's definitely gassy and has trouble getting that gas out, which makes her extremely fussy at times and still nursing every 2 hours, and not very well. She sleeps ok at night but hardly at all during the day--only if she's in her swing and only for 20 minutes at a time. It's hard to get anything done and go anywhere. It's just been...hard.

-I've been dealing with a number of ailments, two of them being a crazy, unexplicable, insanely itchy rash that covered my body for about 4 or 5 weeks and then last week, a bout of the stomach flu which hit me (and Olive) like a wrecking ball.

-Things have been clicking right along with setting up the practice. We've got our sights set on an office space and hope to solidify that soon. We'll be located in and affiliated with the beautiful San Martin Hospital in southwest Las Vegas for the next 3 years.

Things on the docket for the next 5 months and well, year and years to come:

-get our place market-ready

-sell our house

-get rid of a bunch of our stuff

-move to Vegas

-find a fantastic rental home in a fantastic neighborhood zoned for a fantastic school in a fantastic ward, close enough to Go's office and within the same high school where we hope to build in the next several years...this seems like a large feat, with a lot of moving parts, but I have hope all the stars will align.

-physically set up Reynolds Plastic Surgery

-make enough money to replace a bunch of the stuff we chuck

-repay med school loans

gah.