Let's Hide Those Hooters!

Boys who may be reading this: You will want to stop reading here…unless you are one of those types who go to the gym and nonchalantly pick up a Cosmo magazine, then retreat to the privacy of a restroom stall where you flip through the glossy pages, hoping to unlock the seedy underbelly of womanhood, only to discover how to successfully create a smoky eye and 25 ways to please your man, which I’m guessing you have more of an interest in than you are willing to admit if you do indeed read womens' magazines.

Still reading, big guy? Fine. You’ve been warned.

Maybe it’s the smidgen(?) of anti-conformist in me, but I always mentally vowed never to buy/make/use a nursing cover or “hooter hider” as they are sometimes called. I don’t like having the same thing as everyone else. I try to avoid it actually and always have. But as this baby nears and as the months and months of impending public nursing doom looms over my head, those dang nursing covers everyone has have turned from silly and trendy to extremely practical and I MUST HAVE ONE. Or three. I mean, you can be totally covered but actually SEE what’s going on down there, which some women don't need, but I do.

I am not one of those Super Nursers. You know the ones I’m talking about: the girls who can breastfeed triplets while they simultaneously change a tire on the side of a freeway. Me, on the other hand, I have to be comfortably sitting in a soy-candle lit room while soothing whale mating calls mixed with Gregorian monk chanting to Enya songs play softly on the stereo and when in mixed company, be covered by a king sized duvet cover, preferably stuffed with baby duck feathers. So, no. I'm not a Super Nurser. I would never dream of attempting to grocery shop and breastfeed at the same time. (Your welcome.) And there’s a good chance I’ve flashed you more than once Marti Gras style while wrestling my baby to my breast if I've nursed around you, despite the duvet cover. (I am SO sorry.) And I would not join the band of nursing mothers who have a group on Facebook, because #1 I’m not on Facebook (Why? Because everyone else is! Duh!) and #2 because I’d feel like an impostor. I do not love breastfeeding. I do not even like it. I merely tolerate it because it is healthy and economical. (Standing ovation from Miss Cheapy Pants.) I do not get dreamy-eyed and swoony at the thought of nursing babies like some women do. I have many an aunt and MIL who were Super Nursers and some have even, in hushed tones, revealed to me that they believe nursing is better than sex. Really? Hm. I disagree.


Anyway, as you can see, I gave in. I made myself a nursing cover. I hope it helps me like breastfeeding more. Maybe I’ll even end up liking it better than sex...

HA! I caught you, Go. You totally just read this post!