Because it's Only 10 Seconds Long and I Laugh Every Time

Because You Care. You Really Do.

OB: So do you have any questions or want to talk to me about anything today?

Me: When is it too early to start talking to you about my labor plan?

OB: Never.

Me: Excellent. So, it happens fast for me. Like, really fast. So fast that I'm afraid that I'll have this baby in the car on the way the to the hospital. And because of what my life is like, I'd most likely be driving myself to the hospital so I'll need to be induced.

Beautiful OB: Certainly.

Me: Really?

OB: Yah. If everything is on track--

Me: Oh, it will be.

OB: Ok, I would induce you as soon as...March 9th. Any time that week, really.

Me: March 9th. Like the March 9th that's in 2 months?

OB: Yup.

Me: Cool.

OB: Anything else?

Me: Oh, and I want an epidural. No, I demand that I have an epidural. And before the induction starts.

Beautiful, Beautiful OB: Of course.

TWO MONTHS LEFT.


YOWSAS.

Freaks and Geeks

I finally received a gift from my brothers that I've been wanting for years. I wanted it almost as bad as I wanted a metal detector all growing up but never got.

THE FREAKS AND GEEKS BOX SET ON DVD!

If you weren't lucky enough to see Freaks and Geeks during the short time it was on in 1999-2000, you missed out on something wonderful.

I can't say enough about this show. I think the back of the box sums it up when it says "achingly real." It also was hilarious, had awesome music, was extremely well acted, SO well written and perfectly cast. Like other magnificent shows I would put into the "well written and perfectly cast," category such as Arrested Development, it got canceled before it's prime.

It's also where this guy, along with a handful of other actors you'd recognize, got his start:

Dear Mr. Franco, me gusta mucho.

If you ever get the chance to sit for 18 hours straight with no bathroom breaks and watch the entire DVD set, don't think twice, just say "yes, please."

This is a clip of my favorite character, Bill Haverchuck. If you don't at least smile while you watch this clip, something is definitely wrong with you.


Ok, fine. What about this one?


And this is the song I've had in my head for the past decade. Especially the falsetto part at the end.

And Now For My REAL New Years Resolutions

Blechck, never mind. I bored myself with listing them, so why would you want to read them?

Besides, keeping focused on the same things for 365 days straight is so not realistic for me. I'm more of a 7-day type of gal. I take it one week at a time. Sometimes one day at a time. Because that's what they taught me to do in A.A.

I will tell you these two things about my new year resolutions, though:

1. My real goals have nothing whatsoever to do with Twilight, nor does the rest of my mind, body or soul.

2. I will have our third baby in 2009. I have a feeling that a lot of 2009 will be me in survival mode, where resolutions like "Floss daily" will be cast to the wayside, so seriously, why bother with resolutions at all?

All About 2009!

Odd-numbered years have typically been good ones in my life.


Let's start at 1989 because mostly everything before that is a blur:

1989: My family moved to southern California. And we all know how I feel about that.

1991: 6th grade, which I really liked. Outdoor Ed was rad, plus I was a superior handball player.

1993: I was at the height of my Beatles obsession and had no responsibilities whatsoever. Life was good.

1995: Actually, this year I could skip and be ok. What 15 year old actually likes being 15?

1997: The year my parents surprised me with the old red and white VW bus. sniff.

1999: College = Freedom.

-2001: The year I got married. That was good. Kind of. I guess. Oh, come on. I haven't seen Go in over a week now so he's due for some teasing from his wife, because that's how I show affection. That's actually how our children are conceived. I tease him about his facial hair and 9 months later, I birth a baby.

-2003: Ruby was born in 2003.

-2005: May was born in 2005.

-2007: I actually don't remember much about 2007.

-2009: Here are some possibilities of why 2009 will be totally cool: Baby #3 will be born...and that's about all I know right now.

You want to hear my 5 resolutions for 2009? NO? Ok!

1. Stop picking my nose! In public anyway...
2. Blog less!
3. Start a get-rich-quick scheme! Something involving a pyramid scheme.
4. Stop throwing stuff at the elderly Wal-Mart greeters! It isn't their fault I'm there...
5. Read the last Twilight book!

Twinners

We've all heard that everyone has a "twin" or someone who looks exactly like them, just walking around out there, right? I mentioned this theory a couple of days ago to my friend, saying that her sister-in-law--a family friend's wife (I'm talking about YOU Tori B.) has a twin who is a Continental Airlines flight attendant. And a mighty fine one, I might add. She doted on us for our entire 5 hour flight.

I get told I look exactly like random people all the time; it's bizarre how much it happens. Though they are never, ever celebrities or super models (Shocking! I know, right?) and always people I have never met, I still get a strange thrill when I get told by the lesbian who's munching on tropical trail mix while standing in line for the bathroom at the Chevron station in Baker, California (located next to the Mad Greek Cafe and The World's Largest Thermometer! (which is actually in no way way a thermometer, but a glorified marquee)) that I am the spitting image of her niece. Or my friend, who after a trip to Denmark, proclaimed that my second self rides around Copenhagen on an orange bicycle with a wicker basket. Or the time that our med school buddy flagged down the wrong girl in the hallway of the University of Iowa Hospital and Clinics after tailing her for awhile, convinced that it was me. Apparently Joe, an elderly man who hangs out at the gym, has a daughter and I remind him of her so much that it almost makes him want to come to my spin class but I play my music "just too darn loud." I once walked into a party at a house in the hills of Salt Lake City, greeted by a glittery woman doused in perfume who embraced me, exclaiming "Devore!" It took several minutes to convince her that I was not Devore, but a girl named Annie and no, I wasn't related to Devore and in fact, did not even know who this Devore was. She's lovely, I'm sure.


Several years ago I found myself in an eerie situation. I was in a smoky bar seated on a couch abutted to a small stage decorated with Christmas lights, waiting to watch some live music. Across the room was another couch piled with other twenty-somethings. Smack dab in the middle was a girl who looked exactly like me. She looked so much like me that I had a hard time keeping my eyes off of her. Total creep sauce. When our eyes finally met, it was a very Haley-Mills-Parent-Trap-Summer-Camp moment. I'd like to think I was the much cooler twin from California opposed to that stiff broad from Boston but then I would have been the first to have that very, very unfortunate light bulb-shaped haircut. All night long, we kept looking at each other and were both obviously weirded out but for whatever reason neither of us addressed it. I wish I had had the courage to just get up, cross the room and be like "Hey. We look a lot alike, don't we? Weird, huh?" I could have found out if we also sounded the same. Or were we somehow related? Did fragrant deodorants give her rashes, too? Was John Lennon also her favorite Beatle? And what about when your arm brushed up against something and your arm hairs were no longer laying in the same direction? Did that drive her crazy, too?

While out here in Vegas/Irvine on my trip, I've been seeing people who look exactly like friends I knew from high school, college, etc, all whom I haven't seen in years. Thankfully, they haven't end up being those people but actually their twins. This keeps happening, no doubt, out of my paranoia of having people see me in my present big and bloated state. It is vain and stupid I know, but that's the way I'm rolling right now. Literal rolls, in fact.

Happy New Year, Devore, wherever you are.

The Following Things Made Me Beyond Happy Today

Kind of Embarrassing

If you've been a reader of this blog for awhile, you might be able to recall that I like to read the verbage on the packaging of products.

On my new B&B color support conditioner:

Caution: Do not use for dyeing eyelashes or eyebrows; to do so may cause blindness. Avoid getting in eyes.

It's a good I read that or:

"I regret to inform the readers of Deep Lunges & Unitards that this will be my last post ever, as unfortunately last night I was trying to dye my eyelashes with my conditioner and now I am blind."

Today's Travel Trivia

1. How long does it take to get from PA to Atlanta?

a. 1.5 hours
b. 0.5 hour
c. 2 hours
d. 1 hour

2. How long does it take to get from Atlanta to Orange County?

a. 4 hours
b. 3.5 hours
c. 4.5 hours
d. 5 hours

How exhausted will you be after traveling by yourself with two children and a 6 month old fetus?

a. not that exhausted
b. slightly exhausted
c. medium exhausted
d. extremely exhausted

If you answered:
1. (c)
2. (d)
3. (d)

give yourself a high five! If you answered a, b, or c for question 3, then obviously you've never travelled by yourself for 12 hours with two children and a 6 month old fetus.

Bathroom Humor Never Disappoints in This House

Since we're spending Christmas in Vegas/Irvine as usual, we celebrated here in PA early last Sunday. Santa was super nice and brought May what she had been talking about for months, which was a Baby Alive Learns to Potty. Yup, he really did.

This morning, the girls were playing with her (who's name is Flower, says May), feeding her bottles and watching her pee, each time screaming like Flower had just finished a marathon.

After about the 80th time running across the house, carrying a mini-toilet full of fake pee to show me, I was afraid they would spill, plus I was done pretending to be excited about Flower's fake urine.


Me: Girls, you don't need to show me her pee-pee anymore.
Ruby: Why not?
Me: Because I know what pee looks like. I've been peeing my whole life.

Ruby: (laughs hysterically for about 5 minutes, finally calms down and with a big sigh says)
Oh, man. That was a good one, Mom.

Fun Activity Idea To Do Instead of Sleeping at Night #5 and #6

#5. See what you'd look like if you wore the fanciest hijab in the mosque!

#6. Look up "insomnia" on wikipedia and diagnose yourself.
After thorough research, you deduce you have both:
Acute insomnia, which is the inability to consistently sleep well for a period
of between three weeks to six months
and
Middle-of-the-Night-Insomnia, which is characterized by difficulty returning to sleep
after awakening in the middle of the night, also referred to as nocturnal awakenings.

After reading a long list of causes that don't exactly ring true to you,
you find one line that finally fits the bill:
"An overactive mind may also be a cause."
You knew it. You are a genius with an overactive mind.

A Little Creepiness for Today

So there's this blog that I stalk. Like seriously stalk. I don't know the chick. I don't even know someone who knows her. Or anyone who knows someone who knows her. I am so far removed from this girl, that I should not be reading her blog, but I totally do. I do more than read, though. I pour over it. I salivate even.

Confession: I want to be her.

No. I won't tell you which blog it is. Because I plan on stealing her life one day and it's going to be mine. All mine.

Christmas Dresses

Someday I'll take as good of pictures of my own family as I do for other people's.

Maybe if I paid myself more money...
Oh well.
What these pictures lack in photography swagger, they make up for in cuteness.

Raccoon

Now somewhere in the Black Mountain hills of Dakota
There lived a young girl named May May Raccoon...

If baby #3 is a monkey,
than baby #2 is a raccoon.

Oh let me count the ways.

In the past 2 weeks or so, she has managed to:

-get into my makeup, grind blush into the carpet and draw on our duvet cover with mascara
-lather up her hair with lotion
-draw lines with permanent marker up and down her legs
-unload every single piece of clothing from her dresser (this has happened on more than one occasion) and try every single piece on
-draw "rainbows" in one of my books out of my own children's book collection (which I keep separate from the girls' books)
-open up several packages of tights that I was trying keeping "safe" so they could be returned
-smear a thick layer of pink toothpaste across the bathroom counter
-adhere stickers on our hard wood floor
-climb into the baby's crib so she could draw "way up high" on the wall (I'm glad this happened BEFORE I painted the walls)
-flush an entire box of Kleenex down the toilet
-rub deodorant all over her body (this also has happened on more than one occasion)
-slip Ruby's two teeth that she lost into my water glass I keep on my nightstand

I do keep an eye on my child.
Just not during her nap when I think she's sleeping and she's not.
She's just very quiet when she wants to be.
Like a raccoon. A mischievous, mischievous raccoon.

Fun Activity Idea To Do Instead of Sleeping At Night #4

Feed the baby who is currently taking up residence within you a banana.

Your snack choice is two-fold:

1. You've heard the potassium found in bananas might help
with subsiding your toe-wrenching Charlie Horses.

2. There are times, due to the insane amount of
kicking, drumming, tap dancing, twisting, twirling, somersaulting
you think there might be a monkey in there instead of a baby.

Fun Activity Idea To Do Instead of Sleeping At Night #3

Look at images on the internet done by artists and illustrators who you love and cry a little!

Ramon Casas

Jon J. Muth

Modigliani
Arthur Rackham

Chuck Close

Lisbeth Zwerger


N.C. Wyeth
Gustav Klimt
Robert Sabuda

David Wiesner

Ruth Christian Gannett
Maxfield Parrish

Lauren Child

Howard Pyle

Ian Falconer

Lane Smith

William Joyce

Fun Activity Idea To Do Instead of Sleeping at Night #2

Contemplate what life would be like without your chin!

This Guy Must Not Have Slept Last Night Either

Me: Hi, yah, I have a question about my daughter's insulin pump.

Customer Service Guy: Certainly. Before we start, could I get some information from you?

Me: Sure.

Guy: Could I have your first name, please.

Me: Annie.

Guy: A-n-n-y?

Me: I-e.

Guy: A-n-n-y-i-e?

Me: No, A-n-n-i-e.

Guy: Ok, thank you. And your last name, please?

Me: Reynolds.

Guy: R-a-n-o-l-d-s?

Me: No, r-e-y-n-o-l-d-s.

Guy: R-e-y-n-a-l-d-s?

Me: o-l-d-s.

Guy: a-o-l-d-s?

Me: No. R. E. Y. N. O. L. D. S.

Guy: R-e-y-n-o-l-d-s?

Me: Yes.

Guy: Ok, thank you. And you're calling about your daughter's insulin pump, is that correct?

Me: Yes.

Guy: And her first name?

Me: Ruby.

Guy: R-u-b-b-i-e?

Me: No, just one b and no i-e, just a y.

Guy: R-u-b-b-y?

Me: Just one b. R-u-b-y.

Guy: R-u-b-y?

Me: Yes! Perfect!

Guy: Ok, thank you. And her last name?

Me: Reynolds as well.

Guy: R-e-n-a-l-d-s?

Me: Sigh.

And Now For a New Post Series

Fun Activity Ideas To Do Instead of Sleeping At Night


#1. See what you'd look like if you wore a hijab!

New Do

They say you should never do anything drastic to your hair when you're pregnant

but they aren't the boss of me.