Worst Ever

Today I was quite taken by surprise when one of my attendees stuck a gift wrapped in baby-print paper into my gym bag. I mean, this is my third after all, not to mention I am no where near close to giving birth. The sweet woman gave me a couple of pregnancy/baby books, one of them being this one:
It's a book that makes fun of baby names and the people who name them. Genius! It was immediately added to my "Why Didn't I Think of This?" list.

The name "May" wasn't in there, but here's what it said for Ruby: "A derivative of the popular 18th century name Buby, which did not survive the evolution of handwriting. Unfortunately, 18th century b's looked a lot like today's r's. That's too bad, because girls named Buby were really stacked."

Annie wasn't in there, neither was Ann but Anne was. I guess I'll take it: "Most girls named Anne become clinically depressed when they find that 50 percent of girls have Anne for a middle name--and usually because their parents couldn't think of anything else."

Brandon: "Brandon is generally chosen by families that plan to spoil their son to the extent that he will be rude and horribly disliked. Poor families do not choose this name since they are unable to fulfill their obligations in this regard."

Some other family members of mine and known readers of this blog with fairly common names: (I will just keep typing until May comes out of her nap. You can only imagine the amount of things I'm putting off right now. Most of which involve domesticy things. Type, woman, type.) Maybe you'll find yours included here. It's alphabetical.

Beth: " Of the many derivatives of Elizabeth, this one is most popular amoung drug users because of the ease with which it can be transformed to the uproarious nickname Crystal Beth."

Catherine: "The Starbucks of names. Classy, popular, and, in various forms, everywhere. Also, much like Starbucks' baristas, Catherines except tips for doing something as simple as pouring you a cup of coffee. More than a few Catherines are bitter and really ought to be returned."

Chad: "Parents who name their children Chad know that they are flying in the face of common wisdom, as anyone who's watched a sitcom knows that Chads are wealthy jerks."

Diana: "Originally shouted at viciously hated girls named Anna. Later in ancient Greece, Diana became a cute nickname for girls that every Greek girl hated. Finally, Greek men, knowing that the most hated girls were always the prettiest, began awarding the most attractive woman at the orgy the Diana Prize. From there, the rest is history."

Elizabeth: "After all these years, this name still brings to mind the Virgin Queen who practically created the term "imperialism" and in the process created the term "hegemony" and eventually the slogan "down with all Westerners!"

Emily: "A cutesy, little, scrunched-face name for girls whose parents think they might have given birth to a cat."

Erica: "A refugee from those mediveval days when girls were consider wasted births, and fathers would name the unwelcome newborn only in passing--usually by simply tossing a vowel at the end of the name they'd have chosen had they been lucky enough to have sired a boy."

Ethan: "Whereas this named used to have a revolutionary air to it, in recent years one most associates the name Ethan with suburban soccer games and shouts of "Kick the ball, Ethan!"

Harrison: "Son of Harry. Not Harold, but Harry. As if your son's real father is an old fella in a recliner trying to read his evening paper over the constant chattering of his nosey wife, Gladys."

Heather: "A side-splitting hazard of this name happens when Heather's kindergarten scrawl is taken as "Heathen" by her teacher. Funnier still is when that teacher happens to be a heathen herself and, delighted to finally find a kindred spirit, befriends little Heather, taking her out to share lunch and a satanic ritual. Straightening out that mess can be one crazy time!"

Holly: "Every January, countless girls named Holly disappear as they are mistakenly packed away in boxes and stored in attics and crawl spaces. On a happier note, such families always seem to look forward to the annual "unpacking of the daughter" every December."

Jackson: "Son of Jack. Jack's son. A particularly confusing choice when made by the many parents who are not named Jack."

Jake: "Everybody's buddy! Jake is a pal! The sort of kid who'll open up your house when you're on vacation and have the wildest, kicken-est party your town's ever seen. Way to go, Jake! You rock!"

Jennifer: "When making a list of the most popular girl's names in 1994, researcher Dr. I. P. Nightly found that during the month of March in that year every single baby girl born in the United States was named Jennifer."

Jessie: "Your daughter's famous namesake: Jesse James, a homocidal bank robber who came to personify everything horrible aboue the American West."

John: "So common a name that even in the New Testament two different guys are named John."

Joseph: "Of Biblical fame, Joseph was one of Jacob's many, many, many sons. Anyway, one day his brothers toss Joseph into a pit and sell him into slavery. Not one brother says that getting rid of Joseph was a bad idea. Not one! It was unanimous! Now, how good a guy could he have been?"

Josie: "A name that became popular in the early seventies during a time when young parents, still suffering the effects of hang-overs from their drug-addled Woodstock years, began naming their children after characters from Saturday morning cartoons. Other popular baby names of the time include Witchy Poo and Hong Kong Phooey."

Julie: "A name originally coined by William Shakespeare in an early draft of Romeo & Juliet as Juliet's younger and uglier sister who, unable to catch the eye of Romeo, convinces Mercutio to kill him."

Karen: "An old standby, always willing to step in and take over when you can't figure out what to call a girl. Like an old station wagon or a straw broom, it'll get the job done."

Kate: "For families without the means to acquire the multisyllabic Katherine, Kate is a terrific compromise. As an additional benefit, most Kates are perfectly happy to wear faux perfume and gumball machine jewelry."

Katie: "Many parents, hoping to extend their daughter's childhood, will slap her with Katie, in the hope that Katie will play happily on the backyard swing set well into her thirties."

Kelly: "The third choice of unimaginative Irish fanatics, behind Shamrock and Leprechaun."

Kristen: "A word created by the Swedes to refer to the act of evangelizing door to door, as in "Sven! We're going kristin' this weekend! You coming?"

Leah: " Where the chastity of your daughter is concerned, naming her Leah probably doesn't help matters much. If she ever acquires the nickname "Easy Leah," it's time to change her name."

Leigh: "See Leah. It's the same problem."

Mary: "The Chevy of girl names. Just about everybody has had some experience with a Mary. For some of us, Mary was our first girlfriend just as Chevy was our first car. She kept us comfortable, and we kept her for awhile. Then we grew up and tried some of those foreign names out. We even took a few spins with some real luxury models. But we all come back to Mary eventually, even if it's just in our memories. There's a Mary everywhere you look. And who knows? Maybe one day you'll get yourself one of these newer Marys. But what's the rush? Marys will always be there. They always have been."

Matt/Matthew: "A Matt is to be stepped on, and wiped with one's feet. Matthew sounds like a pretentious form of Matt--probably one of those Matts with fancy French designs."

Max: "This name has traveled from humans to dogs and recently back to humans again. Consequently, many babies named Max can hear sounds normally undetectable to the human ear. They also shouldn't be around leather shoes when they're teething."

Megan: "A variant of the variant Meg, from Margaret. Most parents find that researching the convoluted origin of this name is a frustrating waste of time. Most grandparents find that attempting to figure out which of the millions of spelling variations the parents have chosen is just as frustrating and a waste of time."

Michael: "Only John is more common in America. If a pre-birth IQ test, a lack of heavy kicking in the womb, or a series of uninspiring sonograms indicate that your son looks like he might not amount to much, this is the name for you."

Melissa: "Ancient Greek for "bee," Melissa is a sweet little girl named that, on a grown-up looks as strange as saddle shoes and black tights...just not as sexy."

Paul: "A name so common that even the biblical Paul can't stand it and changes his name to Saul. Now, nobody would voluntarily change his name to Saul unless he was really discouraged. That's what Paul'll do to a guy."

Robert: "Your prospects look good. You hope to raise a Robert, handsome, strong, creative, and according to its meaning destined for greatness. Unless, of course, he chooses to be called Bob--in which case he will be as ordinary as American cheese on white bread."

Sam/Samuel: "While the biblical Samuel means "Name of God," this name has been revived in recent years as simply Sam, which in Old English means "half."

Sarah: "A name that requires no lips or teeth to pronounce. This is an excellent choice if you think your child might not be very smart. Having so simple a name just might keep her clear of stigmatizing therapy classes."

Thomas: "Guys named Thomas are notoriously skeptical (or doubting) and cheap, the sort of people who bring McDonald's coffee into a Starbucks or spend an hour divvying-up checks at dinner. Name your baby Thomas and be ready for him to reply, "Prove it!"

Timothy: "A silly name for silly little boys. Timmys are squealers and toadies. They grow up to be the sort of man who is happy to find a hair in his salad, just for something to complain about."

Todd: "If this were not a name it owuld be the term to refer to any protrusion beneath the skin. It's always a good idea to have a doctor look at any Todd that should happen to show up."

Zach/Zachary: "You can always spot the boys named Zach at a grammar school. Just go to the gymnasium and look for the boy at the end of the line. He'll be the one to get the most worn, under-inflated ball. Or saunter on by the cafeteria line, where Zach will be waiting for cold lasagna and stale fries, which he'll have to scarf down as fast as he can before the bell rings. Occasionally, a teacher will conduct business in reverse order, but Zachs will tell you that it can never make up for the daily indignities."