The Tale of Olive Confusing the Costco Employee: A True Story

Olive was a baby who made the crustiest of crumungeons coo back at her in the line at the pharmacy. She was chubby and bright eyed, always looking for the next person to smile at. Her smile and wriggle combo could melt the tattoo sleeves right off of roughest and toughest of fish mongers. Even the persnicketiest of germaphobes couldn't resist nibbling on Olive's perfect rubbery toes. She was plain delicious. She did have one odd trait, though. When it started to near nap time, Olive would growl like a mountain lion. Although this sounded like an angry growl, it never was. She was happy and still smiling, just tired and growling.

One day while at Costco with her family, while her sisters were over in the electronics department with their Dad, following him around while he dreamed and drooled over gigantic televisions and fandangled blue-ray players, Olive stayed with her Mom at the check out line, waiting to spend way more money than they wanted to, like every other Costco trip before.

Suddenly Olive felt very tired. She decided to growl a happy little tune, something that sounded like a wolverine attacking a kitten. She smiled and growled and kicked her chubby legs. Her Mom squished her legs and kissed her cheeks and tickled her neck and zurberted her belly. She growled back happily in reply, sounding like a cougar birthing a billy goat--the real animal kind of cougar. Not the older lady who preys on younger men-cougar. We all know that the billy goat-birthing ship has sailed for those types of cougars. Upon hearing this extremely loud and strange sound, a Costco employee, who had yet to behold the butteryness of Olive and her cheery demeanor began ringing up their odd assortment of purchases (horseradish cheese, toilet paper, and a case of Izze fruit drinks) said "Well, someone's not happy." Olive's mother, who stupidly couldn't stand the thought of a stranger thinking of her beloved baby as a stinker, pointlessly replied with "She's just tired. She's still happy, though." The Costco employee, who should have just said "Oh", said "That doesn't sound very happy to me." Olive's mother, who had a tendency to get snippy when hungry and when spending money, rebuttaled. "No, really. She's still smiling. She just growls really violently and really loudly when it's time to take a nap." Olive's mother, who also had a tendency to give more information than people needed or cared to know, continued. "Yah, one of my other girls used to do this too when they were tired but never this loud. I can't remember which one used to do it..." The Costco employee, who apparently had a long day said "You're telling me that baby is happy?" Olive's mother, challenged, put on her game face, which was the same face she made when thinking about marzipan. Olive's mother did not like marzipan. "Take a look at her!" Olive's mother said, gesturing to Olive, who was still growling and squawking away like a cat in heat mixed with a bison who stubbed its hoof. "See? She's happy." "Well, that's the maddest sounding happy baby I've ever seen. I just don't get it," replied the Costco employee and shook her head like it was the craziest thing she had ever heard. And even though Olive's horrible mother wanted to part ways with a snarky and uncalled-for "Maybe that's why you work at Costco, genius," she didn't. She just punched in her code for her debit card and kissed half of her husband's pay check good-bye on a thirty pack of Charmin Ultra Soft.

THE END.

Sent from my iPhone