(Again, the following may or may not have really happened)
You are on a group date--an outside concert featuring a local band set above a new housing development in the hills of Provo. The music is ok, not great but this is Provo and you will take what you can get. It's about halfway through the show when you realize you have to use the restroom NOW, in fact, you probably had to 10 minutes ago but you were too busy trying to dazzle your date in effort to score many more dates in the future and in essence, lower your grocery bill. You look around and all you can see is dirt and rocks and some low lying bushes, definitely not big enough to hide behind. You turn around and peer downhill, and see the town of Provo aglow with righteous do-gooding. You remember the model homes you passed on your trek up. "Hey, I have to find a bathroom," you whisper to your date. "Can you wait?" your date asks you, like you are four years old. "Noooooo!" you say as you stamp your foot like a four year old. The two of you make your way down the mountain, a 10-15 minute climb at least. You come upon a showing of a model home. Bingo. "I'll be right back," you tell him and he grabs a realtor's flyer and makes himself comfy on the front porch. Inside it is a typical model home, warm, bright and over-decorated. You duck into the downstair's bathroom, praying you don't get snatched on the way in by an agent, but you are successful and find sweet relief in the pristine half-bath...until you realize that this pristine half-bath is without toilet paper. In fact, it's even without a toilet paper roll holder. (You would have wondered if the Bluth family often ran into this problem but Arrested Development doesn't exist yet.) There is a knock on the door. "Yes?" you answer. "Can I help you with something?" an irritated voice asks.
Choose your own adventure. Do you:
a) say "Yes, actually. I am in dire need of some toilet paper." From under the door, the buyer's agent slides several kleenexes and you are ever so grateful. You strike up a conversation with her afterwards and she hires you for part time work at her office, which means you won't have to try nearly as hard to win your date over, as some extra cash is now coming your way.
b) Make your date wait and drip dry.
c) say "No thanks!" and use a washcloth that is nestled in the corner of the counter and has been expertly folded to look like a swan. Throw the washcloth under the sink, flush, and dash out of that bathroom as fast as your exactly-to-the-knee length shorts can take you.
7 comments:
Since I get to choose my own adventure I choose #1, because it ends in financial bliss and Suze Orman would be pleased. But if I really lived that adventure, I probably would have done #3 just like you did. I know you did #3 in that bathroom and no amount of protesting will convice me otherwise.
Ok - so I'll need more info on this one. If you had to do a #1 - I'd just drip dry (yeah, I'm country like that) if it was #2 then I'm all over the using of the washcloth and running like CRAZY out of there!
I love your new choose your own adventure series. You are an expert writer. And you know how to make my mouth drop to the floor.
Not to be a party pooper, but I was anticipating you going #2 in a FAKE toilet. So the fact that you could flush it away, albeit without any paper products, is a bit of a let down. I KNOW you've done more embarrassing things that than, lay it on us!!!
LOL! I like Kristen's answer. That's exactly what I would do... if I were ever in that situation.
Why did you never share these stories when they actually happened-we would have spent many nights laughing at your expense :)
So sad to say this happened to me recently. My dad bought a model home that he can't actually live in for another three years while it remains a spec house. (that's another story for another time.)
I went to "check out." the basement and casually ducked into the bathroom then noticed that there was no toilet paper.... What did I do?? You guess!
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